Doctor Funny
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Doctor Funny


“Snuggles”— My Special Unicorn

A soppy fairy story of rebirthing carrots

“Oops, I think I set Snuggles’ wing on fire!” Image by Dieterich01 from Pixabay

Once upon a time there lived a pretty fairy named Kristine. She lived in a beautiful magic(al) mushroom house in the Enchanted Forest.

Her favourite summertime hobby was to fly up to the roof of her fungal home and watch rainbows after a storm had passed through.

Because her house was a magic mushroom, the spores often got up her dainty nose, making her sneeze in the bright sunshine.

This outburst of sneezing and flying fairy snot was always followed by an unexplained tickling of her funny bone — she giggled, and ate lollypops to assuage her magic mushroom munchies.

When Kristine’s giggling became hysterical, other fairies came to see what was up.

“Oh, crap,” whispered Agnetha, head of the Co-op of Faeries and Lopsided Little People. “Kristine is spore-adic again. Now she’ll think it’s her birthday and demand ice cream and cake.”

“You know what I hate?” interjected lopsided Gomez, flying in circles because he had only one wing.

“Who gives a bucket load of elfin poos what you think,” remarked Peg-leg Patty. “This stump gives me the gripes,” she added, scratching at the spot where gnat bone prosthesis met flesh.

“Be quiet, both of you!” snapped Agnetha. “I’ll wave my happy, fixie-uppie wand at you later, Pat. What do you want to say, Gomez?”

Gomez puffed up his wizened little chest with importance and scratched at his flea-bitten beard.

Naptime is gonna be a nightmare. Again. When Kristine jiggles around on that cursed mushroom of hers, the spores get up her fiddly bits — it makes her so itchy she starts running around the compound screaming, “For the love of the Faerie Princess, help me!” — It’ll wake up the puppies, and there’ll be no rest for anyone.”

Gomez suddenly turned green. “Oh dear, I think I’m gonna vomit. Flying around in circles makes me…”

The one-winged gnome suddenly let go a tremendous technicolor yawn which, because he was flying in dizzying loops, sprayed over the lopsided crowd that was gathering below in the clearing.

There was a chorus of disbelieving protests from the faerie folk as they shook bits of semi-digested troll, fungus, slimy moss and (of course) bits of carrot, from their hair and attire.

“It’s alright, everybody,” giggled Kristine. “Snuggles, my special unicorn, will come and scratch my fiddly-bit itches with his horn. He did that last time and it fixed me up a treat!”

Suddenly, a great thundering of hooves reverberated throughout the kingdom. A score of galloping beasts was headed through the forest towards the clearing.

The faerie folk froze as if in a ghastly, spew-covered tabloid.

“I told you” called Kristine, happily viewing her friends’ aghast and agape expressions. “It’s the unicorns! All will be well. Snuggles will perform his duties and his friends will lick up the nasty spewy stuff!”

“Hooray!” called the lopsided fae community in unison as they flew, ran, and danced in ever-diminishing circles.

“Not before time!” muttered Gomez, attempting to pull pukey carrot bits from his knotted beard with gnarled fingers.

And so, they all lived happily ever after.


“Well, aren’t you a naughty boy, then?” Image by Barni1 from Pixabay — enhancements? by author

Once upon a time, Kristine, the stoner fairy, was spread-eagled across the top of her mushroom house in an ungainly display of unladylikeness. (’Tis so a word)!

Kristine was a constant source of concern to Agnetha, head of the Co-op of Faeries and Lopsided Little People, no more so than on this dreadful day in the Enchanted Forest.

Agnetha hovered in great despair over the unconscious Kristine and viewed what was left of her Council.

“Shit, shit, shit!” she muttered. “How the hell am I going to spin this bloody disaster to the Faerie Princess. A dozen tiny corpses can never be described as lollypops and birthday cake!”

Agnetha foolishly giggled as she landed in a clumsy heap next to Kristine.

“Maybe,” she mused, as tiny mushroom spores found their way into her unmentionable nether regions, “I can twist this to sound like a good thing — the unicorns stampeded through the compound and mercifully put the Lopsided People out of their misery.”

Agnetha struggled to her feet, then flopped back down again, receiving another full load of the good stuff.

“If the bloody, airy-Fairy Princess had given me more power in my wand, I could have prevented this from happening.”

Peering myopically over the edge of the mushroom roof, Agnetha sighed as she remembered the carnage of the day before.

The summertime sunshine had broken through the storm, revealing not one, but two rainbows that displayed their ominous colours over the clearing.

“We received no pot of gold, just two bucket loads of unicorn crap. Fancy..” remarked Agnetha as her head began to swirl with pretty prisms of her own, “Kristine thought that Snuggles, her special unicorn was on his way to scratch her itch when, in truth, it was that bunch of renegade beasties which have been creating havoc throughout the kingdom.”

Agnetha shuddered, recalling the appalling damage caused by the unicorns.

As the soft cocoon of unconsciousness tempted her, Aggie experienced a wonderful hallucination.

A dozen puppies materialised from the bodies on the ground as if awoken from naptime. They began running and bounding happily through the clearing, stopping now and again to lick spew from the dead Lopsided folk.

As Agnetha watched, the chunder morphed into various flavours of ice cream.

Without warning, an arrogant beast appeared, floating in on a ray of glorious sunbeams. The majestic white, winged unicorn gazed languidly about the compound, espying the gruesome carnage. The animal snorted warm air through magnificently flared nostrils.

“Bless the Demon Druids,” she murmured with her weakened breath. “This is one helluva trip!”

Agnetha’s mouth dropped in a final gape, before slipping into a deep coma.

Carefully treading to avoid the nasty mess on the forest floor, the amazing white uni-horned creature approached Kristine’s little mushroom house.

He bent his magnificent head to gently sniff his mistress. Then, deftly hooking his single horn under Agnetha’s belt he flung her disdainfully into the air. She landed in an ungainly tangle at the top of a tall pine tree, tearing a gossamer wing from her body as she did so.

Should she ever awake from her stupor, Agnetha would cease to be known as a Faerie Elder but become ridiculed as one of the much-scorned surviving Lopsided Little People of the Enchanted Forest. (Phew, try saying that with a load of mushroom spores on board)!

Having neatly disposed of Agnetha, the Prince of Unicorns gently nuzzled Kristine awake and helped her climb upon his gleaming, sweat-speckled neck.

Barely able to cling on, Kristine languished against her beloved’s hairy mane until they safely landed at the edge of the Enchanted Forest.

The Prince of Unicorns curled his massive body protectively around his fairy charge, protecting her from the elements until she was fully recovered from her dreadful experience.

“It wasn’t so bad, really,” Kristine remarked, lovingly stroking her beast. “Perhaps we can take a flight in a few days to collect some mushies for future fun.”

The beast shuddered in response; a glorious climax to signal the end of their adventure.

And so, they lived happily ever after, tripping, and scratching itches until, after years of spore abuse, they lost their youthful vitality and died in their own fetid pools of (carroty) vomit.



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Raine Lore

Raine Lore


Independent author on Amazon, reader, graphic artist and photographer. Dabbling in illustration and animation.