A hole pot of trouble
Dear Town Council, It’s Time You Act On Potholes That Are Deep AF
We can’t afford to lose more innocent lives…
Dear Town Council,
I am writing regarding the increased number of potholes, deep as the oceans in Attenborough’s documentaries, affecting our lovely town.
In particular, on Beechcroft Road, where I happen to live, and which I deeply regret.
I’d like to apologize in advance for inconveniencing you with my predicament.
I understand it must be hard to keep on top of your workload, pushing the paperwork from one end of the desk to the other without having a clue how to act on any of it.
I promise to be brief. Having said that, some things just need to be told.
The issue in question is the pothole in front of my house, which fills with rainwater, dead leaves, bug carcasses, and other fancy materials in the rainy season.
Which is always. This is England after all.
At this point, stepping outside becomes an immense risk and involves having a change of clothes, in case we’re silly enough to choose the moment when a car drives past our house.
We know the drill now, but it’s been a learning curve.
We now peek outside the window before even attempting to touch the door handle. This is to ensure a safe exit from the house.
It may not sound like a huge problem to you, especially if your front yard is free of troublesome holes. I’m so glad if that’s the case.
But try to look at it from my point of view. That’s if your view is not obstructed by the above-mentioned questionable substance.
Leaving the house has become a lengthy process. It requires careful consideration, including considering whether it’s a good idea to venture out.
I know, vicious circle.
It happened on multiple occasions that upon taking a chance, we were forced to sprint back before the tsunami hit.
Some days, this process is arduous. It has to be repeated several times before we are able to reach our target: the car.
Although the method seems to work, it’s incredibly time-consuming and has resulted in serious consequences; Such as lateness at work, which further resulted in losing two hours worth of my monthly pay.
Why two hours? — You may ask.
Because I had to take a shower and wash my hair. I couldn’t go to work dripping with rain water and awash in bugs.
Also, my curls are a nuisance, and it took a bit of convincing to achieve the desired effect.
Although this isn’t the council’s fault.
Another time, my son got drenched as he was about to meet with his friends. He had to go back and get changed to look somewhat presentable.
He found all his trousers had been washed (in the washing machine, not by the muddy water), and he had trouble finding something decent to wear.
His blue jeans that were hanging on the airer became a tad short lately, so he preferred to give them a miss and play video games in boxers instead of seeing his friends.
You know what teenagers are like.
I’m sure you’re aware of how socializing is crucial for children. It helps them find their voice and gradually become an integral part of society.
That day, your negligent attitude towards the state of our streets stopped him from practicing just that.
Don’t be surprised when your bill to cover the living expenses of the mentally unstable will go up.
The pesky pothole has also claimed an innocent life. The life of my neighbour’s cat, Olive.
She was black and white, a sweet, sweet soul. I can assure you that her white fur was anything but white when I found her floating in the pop-up pond.
What an undignified end.
I had to help my elderly neighbour with the burial in her back garden, which again caused me to be late for work.
This time I didn’t get away with it, and my non-empathetic manager issued me a verbal warning.
He’s a crackhead and above me. So there’s nothing I can do.
I also lost another two hours of work. This brings us to a total of £48.50 deficiency in monthly income. I wonder if you could reimburse me?
I truly hope that my words will hit home.
At least as much as the murky paddle hits us in the face daily. Every damn time we leave the house on Beechcroft Road.
And that you’ll take action by having the hole filled, saving countless innocent lives in the future.
You’ll be rewarded with good karma. This is my promise to you.
Otherwise, you leave me no choice but to reconsider my financial support for your hard work. Please note my bins have been left unemptied for the last couple of weeks.
What did you spend my money on if not paying for the binmen to do their jobs?
Alternatively, I could apply for work with the council. I’m also excellent at pushing papers in every direction.
That’s if you pay me more than a living wage.
I’d gladly take care of the pothole issue that’s spreading across town like a cold sore.
I’m eagerly looking forward to hearing from you. Kindly share your thoughts.
Yours faithfully,
A distressed citizen. A friend of my grieving neighbour. In memory of Olive.
Thank you for reading!
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