Father of the Year still waiting for his trophy and his STD results

Father of the Year Nominee Reveals Secret to His Parenting Success: Dedicated Absenteeism

Father of the Year decides to write the rest of this article in first person

Sit here, spawn. I’ll be back in less than two decades, promise. Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash

Being a working father is a tough job

It’s long hours. Sweat. Blood. Pain. Bringing home bread, bacon and the occasional syphilis flare-up. We don’t get no epidurals. And just when you think a little pat on the back is deserved, we’re spat on instead. Slackers and quiet quitters have demonised us with crazy slogans like ‘parents should be allowed to switch off from work and spend time with their children.’

Guess what? My father worked 187 hours a week and he was the best father I’ve never known. I didn’t need time with him, or affection, or — hold back your vomit — encouragement.

All I needed was the constant reassurance he would never show up to my athletics carnival and look away in disgust as I was beaten in the high jump by a double amputee.

To the fathers of today, who might be pondering whether attending ‘work drinks’ in Cabo San Lucas is worth missing their daughter’s Maths Olympiad, I want you to…