Hollywood’ve, could’ve, should’ve
Flip the Script
The best ideas are the reel-est ideas
Harrison Chevrolet staggers into my office in Hollywood as if he just didn’t crash an airplane for what would probably be the seventieth time in his life. I’ve got mad respect for the guy though, he portrayed Han Kirk in Trek Wars. That slick son of a gun of a character was the trendsetter for every action movie to follow. Today though, he has an appointment with me to pitch various ideas for shows and movies.
“Well, do you want me to pitch you ideas or what?!” the haggard old man asked bluntly.
“I- uh, yeah… sorry, I spaced out being in your presence and all,” I replied nervously.
“You’re not one of those weirdos who holds me to a ridiculously high standard because of my status, are you?” inquired Harrison hastily.
“N-no… not at all. Please, go ahead and pitch me some ideas,” I say to move the conversation along.
“Okay, so the first idea I have for you is a show. It would be hosted by Butch Hartman, the legendary creator of Danny Phantom, and he will flip a coin for the two contestants to call the outcome. The winner gets to perform a craniectomy, while the loser must receive a craniectomy. We would call the show Craniectomy.
Thoughts?” proposed Harrison in his deep voice.
“Sounds like a medical waiver nightmare… I’m sold!” I say excitedly in anticipation of his next idea.
“I’ve also got a great idea for a movie. Let’s call it Can’t-Man & the Boss: Can’tumania. It would be a spin-off of Peyton Reed’s Yes Man since the main character has the superpower to say ‘I just can’t, man,’ to everyone no matter what situation he’s in. Naturally, we would cast Danny DeVito in the lead role because he has the polar opposite stature compared to Jim Carrey in the original, doubling down on the contrast we’re establishing. So the plot would see Allen Carl (Danny DeVito) team up with Bruce Springsteen after having said his line too many times causing a rift in the Can’tum Realm,” droned Harrison.
“That sounds amazing! I can’t wait to see DeVito and Springsteen teaming up onscreen together. I can only imagine how much money that would make at the box office,” I exclaim supportively.
“If you like that, you’ll love this next one,” teased Harrison. “I’ve been working on a draft for a six-part docuseries called The Dent. It would delve into all of the theories out there about why Nicolas Aubé-Kubel dented the Stanley Cup when the Colorado Avalanche won in 2022. I’ve been trying to get David Lynch, Dan Povenmire and Stephen Harper on as producers so we can create a show that returns to air every six to fourteen months with a new six-episode season exploring more unexplained NHL-related anomalies. We’d call the show Conspir-ICY Theories,” he pitched in monotone.
“I would love to see that,” I say as I continue my rabid notetaking on his pitches.
“If you enjoy sports-related content like that, you’ll love It’s the Great Basketball, Charlie Brown. It would follow the plot of the original classic Charlie Brown cartoon, but it’s a live-action Y/A adaptation starring Dacre Montgomery as Charlie, Zoey Deutch as Lucy, Gaten Matarazzo as Linus, and obviously Chris Pratt as Snoopy. As it would turn out, the “Great Pumpkin” is actually the “Great Basketball” that WNBA star Diana Taurasi needs to beat an incoherent off-screen teacher in an important game of basketball to save the human race,” Harrison pitched restlessly.
“I truly love that idea! You know, we’re always looking for hybrid spin-offs of reality shows or game shows, and I’m curious to know if you’ve got anything in that realm,” I say with great anticipation.
Without hesitation, Harrison says “I’ve got just the thing: The Appraising Race. It would be a spin-off of The Amazing Race and The Price is Right. Contestants would have to travel the world and correctly guess the cost of random local items in currencies that are foreign to the country they’re in. Drew Carey and Phil Keoghan will randomly show up to razz contestants at inconvenient times throughout each season. The winning duo at the end of each season will win 1,000,000 Iranian Rial, a 1969 Plymouth Roadrunner, and The Appraising Race!”
“I’m just so impressed with your mind… do you mind sharing any more ideas that you’ve got?” I ask curiously.
“Sure, I’ve actually been cooking up something I’ve titled Geriatric Normal Clumsy Rabbits. It’s sort of riffing on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but it’s also nothing like it whatsoever. It’s based around a group of four ten-foot-tall rabbit friends named after famous rappers, Eminem, Snoop, Childish, and L.L. as they conveniently put a stop to crime in Booger Hole, West Virginia in their senile and uncoordinated ways,” replied Harrison anticlimactically.
“My brother in Christ, I’m beyond inspired by your incredible ideas!” I exclaim hoping for more to be pitched by him.
“You know, dating shows are all the rage these days, so I’ve got an idea that’ll really knock the chalk off your socks. Obviously, it’s a reality show so we have real, everyday people on it. Our producers will show flattering photos of other people coming on the show to set their expectations, but when they arrive at the date, they’re sitting across from an orange peel, and we capture their reaction. I call the show Love is Rind, but we wouldn’t explain the show title to the people who come on so we can really curb their expectations,” growled Harrison in his low voice.
“I’ve probably got time for one more if you’ve got anything left in the tank,” I say in great anticipation.
“I’ll talk extra fast so I can jam an additional pitch in there too, but I’ve got an idea for a film called Magic. It will feature Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange approaching a live-action Ms. Frizzle portrayed by Isla Fisher, and he needs The Magic School Bus, voiced by none other than Chris Hemsworth. Doctor Strange rides The Magic School Bus to Hogwarts to take Snape, Dumbledore and Voldemort before they die in their timeline to help him defeat none other than Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. But Mickey’s got a trick up his sleeve. He’s got a Tom Cruise Mission: Impossible mask, and he reveals himself to be none other than Magic Mike. It’s a whole thing. Anyway, the other idea I had was a video game adaptation: Sims the Movie. It features a middle-class family that only speaks gibberish, struggling to get by. Eventually, this force takes over their lives, and they do normal human things. They eat food, they take massive dumps in the toilet, and they go to work, but all of a sudden that force is gone from their lives and they are stuck in limbo. This family begins to wonder if they’re stuck in a simulation that’s out of their control, but they remain in the position they were left in until the mysterious force returns to continue their lives. That goes on for about 90 minutes. Does that all sound good?” monologues Harrison.
“I love it! I’ll be sure to bring all of these up during the next executives meeting for BSCN,” I conclude.
“What does that acronym stand for?” Harrison asks.
“Oh- uh, Bat Shit Crazy Network, of course!” I reply. “Have a great day, sir!”
