CRUSHING IT SOFTLY

Forgive Me, Father, for I Have Lived

Father, give me realistic expectations but do not give them yet

Daniel Williams
Doctor Funny
Published in
10 min readJun 16, 2024

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“The Confessions Of A Modern-Day, Dumpy Augustine” by author

Fourth grade.

My brother slowly decomposed at his desk.

  • He begged God for June.
  • He did what you did: dragged himself toward summer over the jagged cobblestones of time.
  • He reached into his pocket for a pinch of teriyaki jerky dust to take the edge off, and that’s when he found it:

Contraband.

His pocket knife.

Joe’s heart pounded, hammered, thundered, and so forth because bringing knives to school was against the rules.

by author

How long before the other kids sensed or sniffed unauthorized pocket metal and tattled?

How long before a goose walked over the teacher’s grave, whispering, “Memento mori…also, that sweaty kid has a knife.”

Joe imagined the bell ringing and pictured himself racing for the door with the other happy children, but then a voice would say, “You.”

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Daniel Williams
Doctor Funny

A poverty-stricken, soft Batman by night. Illustrator and writing teacher by day. Previously: McSweeney’s, Slackjaw.