Member-only story
A TOUCH OF POLITICAL SATIRE
Former Rep. Matt Gaetz Uses New Rejuvenating Skin Care Regime to Alter Appearance
Now he can hang with teens and everything’s dope
Noting that the beauty industry’s best wrinkle creams are now capable of maintaining and restoring skin health and vitality while disguising the onset of fine lines and wrinkles, former Rep. Matt Gaetz has vowed to use only the premium salves in his new facial regime.
“I simply must turn the clock back and pass once again as a young adult, or possibly even a teen,” Gaetz was heard explaining to a few close friends. “Nothing went wrong the first time, and it won’t this time,” he assured them.
This all comes on the heels of Gaetz seeking a restraining order Monday against the House Ethics Committee in an effort to halt the panel’s expected release of a final report summarizing its investigation into him.
The yearslong probe examined allegations that Gaetz had engaged in sexual misconduct and illicit drug use with young people, and in particular with at least one underage youth.
“I’ve already made tremendous improvements in my appearance,” Gaetz claimed patting his face. “It’s just so obvious to me and it should be obvious to you.”