dating humor, if you can call it that

Forty Minutes After Matching on a Dating App, I Blocked Her

Obviously, it was her fault

Me and my poor heart. Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

I had a few thoughts run through my penis when I saw her profile pictures. She looked like a budget-friendly version of Audrey Hepburn, born in Croydon or Dagenham.

I’m sexual, but I’m also sapio, so I checked her bio before hitting her up.

“I swiped, I bantered, I ghosted.”

It was witty with a touch of frankness I craved after my previous (disastrous) experiences with dating apps.

I swiped right and sent her a superlike to increase my reach. Twenty-four hours later to the second, I was back on the app. It was a match. My heart skipped a bit, and blood flowed where it flows when I’m excited about something.

My first message had to be a banger. It’s key on the apps. Women are subject to pride by a thousand likes. They see themselves as a TikTok Aphrodite and don’t have time for mere mortals like me.

Unless I do the work in the DMs.

Thanks to ChatGPT, I knew her bio was inspired by Julius Caesar. Further prompting had taught me that he was married three times, starting with Cornelia, and ending with Calpurnia at the time of his…