ENDZONE TO EMPIRE
From Superbowl Hero to Global Villain
How Tom Brady Will Destroy the Universe
I grew up in a little town called Daphne on the eastern shoreline of Mobile Bay in Alabama. Since an early age, I have fancied myself a prognosticator, or the Oracle of Daphne, if you will.
I have predicted every Presidential election since 1972, every Super Bowl since 1968, and every 4th of July Famous Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest since its inception. Over the years, I have quietly amassed a solid 50% accuracy rate.
I do not say this to toot my own horn. Rather, I wanted to present my credentials before I revealed my latest prophecy. This vision is my clearest ever, and I share it with you now because the very fate of the universe hangs in the balance. I have seen the apocalypse, dear friends, and its name is Tom Brady.
The day after the Netflix Roast of Tom Brady, it was in the news that he expressed regret over agreeing to be the focal point of the roast:
“It left a bad taste in my mouth,” he said.
After reading these words, I lapsed into a hypnagogic state where I saw the end of days as clearly as a conspiracy theorist sees hidden messages in a bowl of Campbell's alphabet soup. I share my vision…
