FLESHING OUT FINANCES

Hooters Restaurants Are Going Tits Up — Here’s Why

Breast is best, but the economy is messed

I do this for the logophiles in the audience. Image by author

The American restaurant economy is tanking and it’s getting dire. First, Red Lobster — temple to American excess and arguably a seafood restaurant chain known for all-you-can-eat shrimp, filed for bankruptcy. Fishy, because the American stock market is marking record highs.

Now 41-year-old breasticular institution known for boobs and hotpants, Hooters, is going down. Mammary mia! It is speculated that Hooters is on the verge of bankruptcy — as it is closing 41 locations in 2024. Ironic that this sagging cultural institution can’t seem to find any support. We’ve gotten soft and soggy as a society — the opposite of a good wing.

“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”

-William Goldman, The Princess Bride

This restaurant seems too good to be true — but it isn’t a booby trap. Wings, tater tots, onion rings, and celery can do no wrong when awash in ranch dressing. Hooters comfort food menu feels like a deep tissue massage. The ice-cold beer encompasses you in a warm blanket. Then there are the udderly…