Satire

I Am Quite Sure I Dated a Turtle

There can’t be that many coincidences, right?

Bhavnaa Narula
Doctor Funny
Published in
2 min readMay 2, 2024

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A turtle sits on the bark of a tree.
A turtle staring at my ex, wondering if he’s worth mating. Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash

My ex-boyfriend’s eyes reminded me of a turtle. Same emotion-less black beads staring at me, hoping they might get something out of me.

A real turtle expected food, my ex-boyfriend expected sex. One was food for the stomach, the other for the body.

My ex spoke so little, at times I wondered if he could speak. The only words I would hear him utter were “Come for me”, “Shh, let me do it”, “Do you like it”, “I know you want more” etc.

I never heard sentences like “I love you”, “You are mine”, “I’m lucky to have you”, “Please don’t leave me, ever” and so on.

It’s been more than 20 days since our breakup and every time I go to feed my pet turtles I can’t help but see the similarities between them and my ex.

His thing was barely visible

I have a male and a female turtle who often mate. I have grabbed both many times to see their ‘things’ but never got a glimpse. Maybe their ‘things’ are just not there.

I had to do a lot of research to understand their anatomy and identify their genders.

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Bhavnaa Narula
Doctor Funny

I am a dancer who writes what her heart dictates. My Insta ID- theaquarianparadise/ thedancingparadise28