STAT
I Need a Nipple
And a Real One Would Be Good
Stepping out of the elevator onto the sixth floor unnoticed was a big success for Steve Young.
Yes, that Steve Young.
People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man of the Year” — a record seven times. Steve’s go-to disguise? A hat, scarf, and thick-lensed glasses.
And today, it worked.
When his disguise didn’t succeed, he’d usually be mobbed by groups of women. With at least several passing him their phone numbers.
Steve moved swiftly into his doctor’s office, and the receptionist took no time to get him into a patient’s room.
The doctor gave the courteous knock on the door and entered.
“Steve, nice to see you again.” asked the doctor. “What brings you to me today?”
“I need a nipple,” replied Steve.
“There’s something wrong with your nipple?” queried the doctor.
“No, I need a nipple. To be more precise, I need a third nipple.” Steve said straightforwardly, even though he recognized that it was an odd request.
“Let me explain.” Steve went on.
“Yes, please do.” said the doctor. “I met a woman,” said Steve.
“And she only has one nipple?” The doctor was somewhat confused.
“Ha, no, doc, I’d imagine she has two,” Steve replied.
“Then please, Steve, explain.” The doctor’s face stil had a look of being gobsmacked.
“OK, how do I put this without sounding like a complete narcissist. You and I have known each other a while, right, doc?”
“Yes, as doctor and patient, I suppose that’s true.” said the doctor raising one eyebrow.
Steve continued, “So, I’ve been with hundreds if not thousands of women. I’ve come close on occasion to find the one, but it always turns out they’re with me because of my fame, money, or both. And this time, I’m truly in love and want to make sure she loves me for me and me alone.”
“Can we get back to the ‘I need a nipple’ part?” Again the doctor was a bit confused.
“Of course.” Steve said, “We haven’t been together yet in a biblical way. And my idea was if you can do your plastic surgery magic and give me a third nipple, I mean a real nipple smack in the middle of my chest, well then if she doesn’t freak out and leave me, I’ll know.”
“Hmm, I’ve been asked to do many odd things in my career, but this is a first.”
The doctor thought, thought some more, and pondered.“I suppose it’s not unethical. And I could create or perhaps use a cadaver’s nipple, which might be easier.”
“So you’ll do it, doctor?” an excited Steve asked.
“Yes, let me call the morgue and check if there’s some fresh tissue; we could do it shortly. Why don’t you go home, and my office will call you as soon as we’re ready.” said a now enthusiastic doctor.
“You’re the best doc,” Steve said. He shook the doctor’s hand, donned his disguise, left the office, and took the Down elevator.
As Steve’s elevator went down, the Up elevator carried no other than Veronique St. James, the world-famous uber model. She stepped off the elevator and hurried into the doctor’s office, hoping not to be noticed. Once inside, she was swiftly moved to a patient’s room.
“Hello Veronique, what brings you here today.” asked the doctor.
“I’m in love, doctor, and want to make sure the man loves me for who I am, not for my fame or money.”
The doctor jumped right in, “Don’t tell me. You need a nipple.”
“No, silly, I want you to remove a nipple, and if he still loves me even though I only have one nipple…”
Cutting off Veronique before she could continue, the doctor yelled towards the nurse’s station, “See if you can catch Mr. Young before he returns home. I’ve got his nipple!”
Thank You Jennifer McDougall for your fine editing. (She’s the one with that disturbing bio pic of a thumb wearing a red wig.)
