Cashing in on missed opportunities
If Only I Had Less of a Filter
Based on a true story… and then some
My current (and unwieldy) job as a cashier at a grocery store has put me in some positions where I could’ve opted for the more “creative” response to a dumb question or phrase. I almost always have to play along as if I didn’t just hear something contradictory or just plain dumb. So without further ado, I would like to display some of the most routine questions or statements that I get along with the response that I wish I could follow up with.
Annoying Customer 1
Can I get you a bag?
“No, I’ll just take a paper bag.”
So, you do want a bag. Great.
Annoying Customer 2
“I’ll pack my stuff.”
Well, not only is it my responsibility to ensure the safety of your products, I have an irrefutable ability to structure your items in the most effective and optimal way that requires no interference from you whatsoever.
If you are unhappy with me providing my service, you are welcome to use our much less convenient self-checkouts where codes for produce items are second nature to no one, and the interface will infuriate you beyond your imagination.
Annoying Customer 3
“Where’s your divider?”
What’s the first song off Bon Jovi’s Bounce album? Undivided. Boom. That’s what happened to it.
Annoying Customer 4
Hi, how are you?
“Not too bad, yourself?”
…
Don’t feel like answering the same question you asked me, do ya?
Annoying Customer 5
“What is cash back?”
I’m sorry, but what rock have you been living under for your entire life? Dwayne?
Annoying Customer 6
“Can you put my cold items in the freezer bags?”
Uh, yeah, where else would I put them? In with your regular bags where they’d leak all over the place?
Annoying Customer 7
“Can I put some plastic around your meat (or watermelon slices)?”
No…because the environment.
Well, it’s only a little plastic and it serves the major purpose of keeping your items that are liable to leak from not doing so, while simultaneously protecting surrounding products. You should maybe consider being a tad more aware of the environment within your bag.
Annoying Customer 8
“Can you get someone to replace this damaged item for me?”
I can, yes, but it baffles me that you’re just realizing now that it’s broken here as you’re preparing to pay for your things…
Annoying Customer 9
“Do you mind if I grab something real quick while you continue with my order?”
It doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice but to let you do that, but I’ll let the fact that you initially forgot whatever item you’re looking for speak for itself.
Annoying Customer 10
Struggles with scanning a product through
“It’s free!”
Firstly, do you want to try to scan this faulty UPC code?
Secondly, why would you assume that my very real struggles would result in a free product for you?
Where’s the logic?
Think, McFly! Think!
Annoying Customer 11
“I think I left my wallet in the car (or at home).”
That seems awfully irresponsible of you, and potentially illegal if you drove here without your wallet.
I’m sure there are more obscure dialogues that are slipping my mind, but aside from the slightly more sensical questions or statements that I’ve been faced with, you would be shocked at the frequency I feel the need to facepalm because of what some people say. I legitimately do not have the balls to try out any of these thoughts that I’ve had publicly, but restraint is a helluva drug!
