DRIVING MISS BATSHIT CRAZY
I’m a Car Air Freshener. My Owner’s Road Rage Gave Me PTSD
This is my story
I used to have hopes and dreams.
I remember the day she picked me. She walked down the car accessories aisle at Target and dropped me into her red shopping cart. She chose me among so many other options. I was ecstatic. I had never felt so alive!
HA.
What a child I was back then. That heinous woman taught me one thing:
This world will crush you.
Let me get my cigarettes and I’ll tell you about my first day with that vile beast.
She was friendly to the cashier at checkout. I thought she was charming.
When we got to her car, she gingerly removed me from the shopping bag. She even smiled at me. Honestly, I thought I had it made.
The mood shifted when she started to struggle with my plastic packaging. I heard her mutter “son of a goddamn bitch.”
I ignored this early warning sign.
We drove out of the parking lot. She admired the fall leaves. I thought, “This is good. She’s peaceful. She appreciates beauty.”
Then, we turned onto the highway. A green van merged into our lane.
“The speed limit is 65 and you have decided to go 61? That’s your chosen speed? Great choice. Really really excellent decision. Hold on, let me call the Fast and Furious team. They will absolutely need your speed and agility in the next movie. Can you at least get in the right lane you GIANT PIECE OF SHIT!?”
Her scathing sarcasm took me by surprise. And why was she shouting? The other driver couldn’t hear her. It made no sense.
She turned on the radio.
“Oh my God, I LOVE THIS SONG! Lord I was born a ramblin man…”
I was confused. The quick change from fury to joy made me dizzy as I swayed to and fro under the rearview mirror.
A gray mini coupe drove near us.
“Yield, asshole! YIELD. I have an SUV. I will mow down your tiny shitbox!”
I started to tremble.
Her phone rang.
“Hello? Yes, this is she. Oh, Hiiiiii Ms. Jenny. Connor bumped his head at school? Oh, poor boy. Ok. Yup. Thank you for icing it. You are a wonderful teacher. See you at the book fair!”
She was pleasant again, which only amplified my anxiety. My tiny heart raced. Sweat dripped from my tree-shaped body.
Up ahead, a car turned.
Hey fuckwad! Have you ever heard of a blinker? No? You thought the best idea was to make a right turn out of absolutely NOWHERE? If I smash into you that Honda Accord will become your hearse!”
I desperately wanted to go back home to Aisle 6.
We pulled into a Drive Thru.
Hi, How are you? I’ll take a large fry with ketchup and a Diet Coke, please. Wonderful, here’s my credit card. Have a great day!
My head spun. My nerves began to fray.
Back on the road, she searched the fast food bag.
Where the FUCK is my ketchup? Christ! Now I have to eat plain french fries like a little bitch?
My fragrant, cardboard body slumped while she reached into the backseat of her disgusting car. Who could tolerate such an unholy mess? Target was always clean and tidy. I missed my friends.
She found an old ketchup packet on the floor and turned the radio up.
Nice. 68 and sunny on Saturday? Thanks, weatherman! That will be perfect for Connor’s birthday party.
A caring mother? I was not fooled. I remained hypervigilant while the monster gorged on her fries.
A gray Cadillac drove ahead of us.
There are lines on the road for a reason, old man! You are supposed to stay IN BETWEEN them. Do you want me to draw you a diagram? Can you be a big boy and drive the car in A STRAIGHT line? You’d better be having a stroke, you swerving dipshit.
I tried to jump from the mirror, but I was tethered.
She turned onto her street. She saw a neighbor and lowered the window.
Hey, Liz! Will we see you on Saturday? Great. Yep, I ordered the good stuff from Village Pizza. Enough for the kids AND adults. Nope, no need to bring anything. Awesome. See you then!
I began to have a nervous breakdown.
She parked the car in her driveway but didn’t get out. Her eyes widened as she gasped.
FUCK MY LIFE! I forgot the paper plates! What a dumbass! Back to Target we go.
Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Can the Road Rage Lady* change her angry ways?
Not sure. But Mhstuart has a brilliantly digestible read on change that I think will perk up your day:
*It’s not me. Screw you guys. Okay, it’s me.
