STEALING THE HEART OF THE NATION… AND ITS ARTERIES TOO
Indemnity Theft
It’s like Robin Hood but without the Good Samaritan side
One mediocre night, I was working late at my local Lowe’s. It was characteristically slow for a home improvement store late at night until the unthinkable happened. I could’ve sworn that I witnessed James Marsden running full-throttle through the store. I looked around and there wasn’t a soul to be seen after who I thought looked like James Marsden zoomed through. After twenty or thirty minutes passed, the guy raced back in my direction and stopped at my cash register.
“You were great in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and 27 Dresses,” I say to the man.
“Wh- oh, I’m sorry, I’m not James Marsden, and I didn’t star in those films. My name is Rob Lowe and I’m robbing this Lowe’s,” he replies to me.
“But… you don’t have anything on you…” I say nervously.
“Oh, right, I have the cast of Parks & Recreation storing furniture in an 18-wheeler out back… especially Nick Offerman,” he explains to me.
“Oh god,” I say sheepishly.
My training told me to let the theft occur and then call the police, but Mr. Lowe was not leaving. He just stood there ogling at me.
“Aren’t you going to make your getaway?” I ask.
“Oh, no. Not just yet,” he replies.
“Why?” I probe further.
“Because I’m not just after your elite furniture. You see, I know that your insurance policy covers compensation for stolen goods of a high enough cumulative value, and I require those funds to finance international resale of those products for a profit in the blue market,” explains Mr. Lowe.
“Blue market? Don’t you mean the black market?” I ask, clearly confused.
“No, actually, the ‘blue market’ is a phrase commonly used in Argentina to refer to the illicit exchange of Argentine pesos for U.S. dollars. Illegal trade with Argentinian businesses might as well be predicated by another illegal act, right?” clarifies Mr. Lowe.
“Sure…” I say in an unconvincingly agreeing tone.
“Anywho, I’ll be back tomorrow for the theft of that compensation, but right now I have a bunch of furniture ready for unsolicited and illegal shipment to Argentina,” ceases the famous actor.
I remain dumbfounded in silence by the predicament I’ve found myself in until it sinks in that he left the building. I pick up a nearby store phone and dial the number of a local insurance company.
“Hi, this is Amy Poehler, how can I help you?” the woman on the other end says.
“Oh wow, no way! I still can’t believe we’ll never get to see your vision for the Barbie movie after Mattel went with Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie,” I say in surprise.
“You’re thinking of Amy Schumer,” the woman replied with a tone.
“Okay… anyway, I just wanted to report the theft of over $9,000 worth of furniture and what have you pilfered from the Lowe’s that I work at,” I explain.
“It’s over 9,000?” she asks.
“It’s over 9,000,” I repeat back.
“Are you sure it’s over 9,000?” she asks again.
“You know how in Wii Sports Resort, when you do the table tennis return challenge and you hit the ball just right so that it hits the sender of the ball in the face, and it leaves a mark on their face for a bit… well, the stolen products have left a mark where they were situated for a bit, and I can guarantee that there is over $9,000 worth of stolen goods from this Lowe’s, ma’am,” I confirm.
“Dang, well, let me get your account number, and we’ll get this sorted out for you,” insists the woman.
“Uh… oh, yeah, here it is… 14–5–22–5–18–7–15–14–14–1–7–9–22–5–25–15–21–21–16,” I relay.
“Thank you for your time, sir,” she said before hanging up.
The next day I woke up, put my robe on, and grabbed the newspaper on the front step to see none other than the Lowe’s I work at on the front page. I read the article to find that an unnamed character working at Lowe’s essentially aided and abetted in the cast of Parks & Recreation (2009–2015) in stealing over $9,000 worth of merchandise and the subsequent theft of compensation that Lowe’s was entitled to.
“Welp… someone messed up,” I say to myself in denial.
