Learning to Love My Saggy Boobies After Babies

This mom’s still got it going on

Lindy Vogel
Doctor Funny
Published in
4 min readJul 6, 2022
“All we are is dugs in the wind.” -Kansas (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

I was a carpenter’s dream.

Until I was pregnant, I never had boobs — not through puberty, and not afterward. I sported a pair of freakish, dime-sized nipples, and a cup size that was smaller than that of many men I knew — especially the ones who could put up 200 lbs on the bench press.

My nips defied gravity. Somehow, they pointed up. Straight out on a bad nip day.

We all know that bodies come in every shape and size, but the entire contents of my bra could’ve fit in the indentations of a miniature cupcake tin. It was that “bad.”

But it wasn’t bad. The good news about my scarce boobage was that I didn’t have to wear a bra.* I even went topless at a (very small) pool party in my friend’s backyard once. I figured if people didn’t want to see my itty bitty kitty titties, they should just look away.

“You’re gonna get flat, saggy t*ts when you get old,” warned a male friend, who couldn’t possibly have had a vested interest in such concerns. He seemed offended by people who didn’t tamp down their THO** with a bra.

“No, I won’t,” I countered. “You’ve got to have boobs to have saggy ones.”

Even going on birth control didn’t make my bosom multiply into the ample handfuls I’d assumed to be attractive. I was athletic and reasonably smart but often felt bad about myself for my lack of fleshy champagne glasses. I wanted nips that were closer to the diameter of, well, if not silver dollars, at least quarters.

Having had no cleavage to speak of, I longed to be taken seriously as a woman — or maybe even just to look like I was older than twelve.

Moons Over my Boobehs

When I had a baby, everything changed — including my love for overarching space metaphors.

My pregnancy hormones launched me all the way to the Kuiper Belt. My boobs exploded by several sizes — a boobsplosion, if you will — or twin supernovas, for the astronomically inclined. I got stretch marks where smooth skin had been. Not only did my nipples change from Plutos to Saturns, they now had circumstellar discs more…



Lindy Vogel
Doctor Funny

Salty bitch, mom of six. Head Editor of Sweary Mommy. Words in Pregnant Chicken, Slackjaw, & Nameberry.