APPROACH THE NEW YEAR WITH PURPOSE AND A STYLIST
Melania Trump’s New Year’s Resolutions
The goals of a cloistered former First Lady, former model, former femme fatale of the undead
Published in
2 min readDec 21, 2023
Are you there, Champagne? It’s me, Melania.
- Make time for cuddling — my crocodile Birkin bag.
- Visit foreign places I’ve never been, like a subway platform or Donald’s bedroom.
- Follow my calling and live more authentically, as a divorcée.
- Contemplate therapy, then remind myself that emotions are decidedly off-brand.
- Do random acts of kindness, scheduled by publicist R. Couri Hay.
- Volunteer, maybe personally delivering hors d’oeuvres to the vulnerable elderly who are housebound, as long as I don’t have to smile. I could call my organization: “Meals on Louboutin Heels,” or “God’s Love We Deliver To Certain Zip Codes And Only If You Have A Doorman.” (But do the vulnerable elderly who are housebound have waiters to pass the hors d’oeuvres?)
- Learn a new skill, like human nature.
- Donate clothes I never wear — to needy, statuesque women with hourglass figures.
- Revisit an old hobby, like painstakingly categorizing photos of myself in Florentine leather-bound albums, or transforming into a bat.
- Give myself a total makeover, a refreshing new look, something along the lines of “approachable mortal.”
- Make my own bed every morning — with a gun to my head.
- Give myself more compliments, like: “Bravo, Melania, you married the man of your dreams and you never have to fuck him again.”
- Eat more walnuts and blueberries and then think to myself: “Is this really healthier than the blood of my victims?”
- Spend more time with people who really matter, like Tiffany Kaljic, owner of L’Appartement Hair Boudoir, and Hilary Geary Ross, Palm Beach socialite and controversial coffee-table book author, and, of course, Claude, the imperious maître d’ at Jean-Georges, whose wonderfully snide compliments have included: “Mrs. Trump, your exquisite nose — expensive?”
- Face one of my fears and have lunch with Kimberly Guilfoyle, in public, without wine.
- Fully embrace the strong possibility of once again becoming First Lady, beginning by re-renegotiating my prenuptial agreement.
- Finally begin writing my autobiography, which might be titled, “Melania: A Life Without Regrets or Expressions,” or, perhaps, “Melania: In Her Own Word.”