APPROACH THE NEW YEAR WITH PURPOSE AND A STYLIST

Melania Trump’s New Year’s Resolutions

The goals of a cloistered former First Lady, former model, former femme fatale of the undead

Let it flow! Let it flow! Let it flow! Photo by Alexander Naglestad on Unsplash

Are you there, Champagne? It’s me, Melania.

1. Make time for cuddling — my crocodile Birkin bag.
2. Visit foreign places I’ve never been, like a subway platform or Donald’s bedroom.
3. Follow my calling and live more authentically, as a divorcée.
4. Contemplate therapy, then remind myself that emotions are decidedly off-brand.
5. Do random acts of kindness, scheduled by publicist R. Couri Hay.
6. Volunteer, maybe personally delivering hors d’oeuvres to the vulnerable elderly who are housebound, as long as I don’t have to smile. I could call my organization: “Meals on Louboutin Heels,” or “God’s Love We Deliver To Certain Zip Codes And Only If You Have A Doorman.” (But do the vulnerable elderly who are housebound have waiters to pass the hors d’oeuvres?)
7. Learn a new skill, like human nature.
8. Donate clothes I never wear — to needy, statuesque women with hourglass figures.
9. Revisit an old hobby, like painstakingly categorizing photos of myself in Florentine leather-bound albums, or transforming into a bat.
10. Give myself a total makeover, a refreshing new look, something along the lines of “approachable mortal.”
11. Make my own bed every morning — with a gun to my head.
12. Give myself more compliments, like: “Bravo, Melania, you married the man of your dreams and you never have to fuck him again.”
13. Eat more walnuts and blueberries and then think to myself: “Is this really healthier than the blood of my victims?”
14. Spend more time with people who really matter, like Tiffany Kaljic, owner of L’Appartement Hair Boudoir, and Hilary Geary Ross, Palm Beach socialite and controversial coffee-table book author, and, of course, Claude, the imperious maître d’ at Jean-Georges, whose wonderfully snide compliments have included: “Mrs. Trump, your exquisite nose — expensive?”
15. Face one of my fears and have lunch with Kimberly Guilfoyle, in public, without wine.
16. Fully embrace the strong possibility of once again becoming First Lady, beginning by re-renegotiating my prenuptial agreement.
17. Finally begin writing my autobiography, which might be titled, “Melania: A Life Without Regrets or Expressions,” or, perhaps, “Melania: In Her Own Word.”