Mr. Moses? We just call him Moses.
Modern Plagues for the Modern Moses
Is that staff a snake or are you just happy to see me?
It took a lot for Pharaoh to let Moses’ people leave Egypt — at least according to one well-known tome — you may have heard of it… it’s called the Bible.
Alas, that was a long time ago. Nowadays, you’d be hard-pressed to free an oppressed people with the likes of frogs, lice, and boils. Thanks a lot, DDT.
That’s why it’s high time we update the plagues with some modern additions. After all, modern problems require modern solutions.
Electromagnetic Pulse
We’re all social media addicts, and those who aren’t can’t defend themselves from internet accusations. With congress banning TikTok, it stands to reason a modern Pharaoh would also spend his toilet time watching professional chefs react to horrible home cooks.
Free the airwaves from Wi-Fi and cellular devices, and free your people, Mr. Modern Moses.
Bath Salts in the Nile
Not your tub variety chemicals — these were lit back in 2011 when you were just an infant. Sold at gas stations and marketed as “not for human consumption,” society flipped that notion on its head by copiously consuming these then running through the streets naked like they’d just taken some discount PCP. Spike the Nile. Rile the pop’. Escape enslavement.
Subliminal messages
Subliminal messages are the mother’s whispers for sweet dreams as she rocked you to sleep as a baby. Become a mother to all shackled people, and spread your message by putting up Mad Gab-style billboards that say things like, “Leht mype eep ol geaux.” Then casually suggest the idea to Pharaoh as if it were his own. Should that fail, edit the film Inception to make it about freeing the Jews from ancient Egypt.
Automotive sabotage
While we typically think of plagues as being organic, God’s power allows for all sorts of miracles. Simply cut the brake lines on all newer Chevy models. The industry giant will be forced to issue a recall. The second half of the plague happens when all those broken Chevys are driven straight onto the Pharaoh’s lawn, where they honk loudly until the desired effect occurs.
Burn George Bush
Bring George Bush to Pharaoh’s court and then set him on fire. As he speaks, direct him to beg Pharaoh to let your people go. Or else. A burning George Bush makes a threatening image, perhaps even more so than a non-burning Bush. This also keeps thematically with the old testament, which I feel is important.
Release the Boston Dynamic Dogs on a vulnerable population
We all know this was coming regardless of Pharaoh’s stance on slave labor. Do it before anyone else in the DOD has a chance. Call it a plague. Feed the little pups batteries while they lick Pharaoh’s nervous feet and then take a robotic dump on his pyramid.
Itchy fabrics
If you could make all fabrics itchy instantly, I firmly believe you could free even the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay back in 2005. The reason this wouldn’t have worked back in Biblical times is that there was always the option to just be naked. Our modern sensibilities could never.
Tinnitus, tinnitus for all
Gaslight Pharaoh when he asks why his left ear is ringing. Tell him to get his hearing checked. Oh no, the doctor has tinnitus, except his version is saying, “convince the Pharaoh it will stop once he lets Moses’s people go free.” This plan has a lot riding on that one doctor doing his job and not checking into a psyche ward, though.
Turning blood into water
Flip that ancient shit on its head. No more turning water into blood. We’re mixing things up here. Everyone’s dead? Well, there is a sort of freedom in death, isn’t there?
Hail
The only plague truly worthy of a direct sequel. This one was too good not to repeat. Insurance companies alone would be begging Pharaoh to free the Jews faster than they can say, “we’ll have to raise everyone’s premiums 8000 percent if this hail continues.” Hot take, but I hate hail.
Should you go through all of these plagues and Pharaoh is still being a namby-pamby, you might want to check out my alternative guide, “Ten Ways to Assassinate a Modern Despot (not including paper-based killing, as that’s covered in my other guide, ‘1001 Ways to Make Your Enemies Fear Your Origami’.)”
