Is there a doctor on site?!
My Interview With The Doctor
Where MD stands for Mildly Deranged
I was walking down the coast of Lake Chaubunagungamaug when I ran into my family doctor. We chatted for a bit, and he revealed himself to be THE doctor, and subsequently, his real name to be Michael Berg, not to be mistaken for Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier).
It was strange for my family doctor to suddenly reveal all of his other identities to me, but it inexplicably compelled me to interview him on the spot on Lake Chaubunagungamaug.
“So, doc, I’ve known you for the past eight or nine years, but you went by the name Aki Berg. Why haven’t you been using your real name?” I probed.
“Mostly tax evasion. With my older brother facing scrutiny for having been involved in a trade the Toronto Maple Leafs made that fell flat, I felt obligated to incur his social dilemmas. So we switched names, which in turn allows our taxes to switch around as well,” explained Berg.
“You know, I want to be mad that you weren’t forthcoming with your true identity, but I’m kind of more impressed with the fact you’re related to someone who was on the Toronto Maple Leafs. It reminds me of the time I yeeted a hornet’s nest into the tuba at band camp,” I replied.
“How’s that?” questioned Berg.
“Well, as fourteen-year-olds, we were pretty experimental with the sound of our instruments. It was like your average public school band, but we were like the David Bowie or William Blue of band camps. So anyway, some dumb kid, who I think owns Tesla now or some crap, was too scared to punt this live hornet’s nest for the tuba player to catch in their instrument, so I stepped up and kicked it perfectly into place,” I explained.
“Damn, how did that sound?” asked Berg, genuinely curious to know.
“From what I recall, it was a little muffled, and our tuba player did get stung pretty bad from hornets going through the piping and the mouthpiece, but he did okay in the end. He became famous for a hit song in the 80s,” I continued.
“Oh, really? What song? Who is it?” Berg asked, desperate to know.
“For legal reasons, I cannot disclose that information to you. I had to sign an NDA. It was a whole thing, anyway — ”
I get cut off by Berg.
“Good god…” Berg says.
I turned around and saw hordes of what looked like R2-D2 if he was xenophobic. By the time I turned back around, Berg was nowhere to be seen.
Whatever those robot things are continue to swarm around me. I feel what I assume to be the feeling associated with imminent death, but just before I presumably would have died, Michael or Aki or whatever the hell his name is came shooting down from outer space like he was Thor in Avengers: Infinity War, decimating those creatures on the spot.
“Sorry, I had to leave for a moment to prepare to destroy the Daleks since I am The Doctor,” Berg said smugly.
“Who?” I respond in a confused tone.
“Exactly,” he said before bailing on me again.
“Damn, how did I not know all this about my family doctor…? I guess I’ll have to look for another one now,” I say to myself as I sit down on Lake Chaubunagungamaug, pondering my family’s medical future.
