THE COUNCIL ON VERMIN RELATIONS
NYC Rats Strike After Being Compared To Crocs
It seems the “Summer of Strikes” has struck again
New York City, New York — During their tri-quarterly meeting yesterday evening, the International Brotherhood of Rats Living in the City of New York (commonly referred to as the Rats’ Union) authorized a full strike and has vowed to “turn up the heat,” if their demands aren’t met.
The union, which represents approximately 1.7 million NYC’s rats, has vocalized concerns over living conditions for several years (see: BREAKING — NYC Rats Say Subway is “Hotter, Smellier, and More Disgusting Than the Devil’s Anus”).
The straw that broke the rodent’s back, though, was an off-color remark about the appearance of Harlem’s rat population. The statement in question came during the first annual “Anti-Rat Day of Action,” an event organized by the City’s new Rat Czar.
“We’ve had rats the size of crocs running up and down the street, like a croc shoe. Your average size eight. Running up and down the street.”
The union’s rat-resentitive responded in a press release late last night.
“Try to exterminate us all you want, but let’s keep it civil. We don’t need to make fun of each others’ physical appearances…Let me reiterate: we look nothing like crocs. No human has ever mistaken one of our members for a shoe or slipper, even in cases when the shoe rack was poorly lit and the human was very drunk.”
The union pledges to picket outside the Department of Sanitation’s midtown office until they receive a formal apology and encourages others to join them.
It seems only one human New Yorker has joined the picket line so far, but several celebrities have vocalized their support on social media, including the president of the Porcupine Guild of America and Heidi Klum’s hamster.
When asked for comment, one Department of Sanitation employee said, “Some days, you’re walking to work and you see a bald man standing by himself, screaming inside a ring of size 8 black crocs, several of which are on fire. Then, your eyes adjust, and you realize that some of the crocs are actually rats with tiny flame throwers. You think to yourself: Huh, that’s probably the third weirdest thing I’ve seen today, but that’s New York for ya.”
