ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
Petition to Outlaw Adding Pumpkin Spice to Things
A pumpkin’s perspective
Dear Readers,
It’s October and you know what that means.
For 31 days, humanity forgets its disgust of everything healthy and engages in horrific behavior, vegetable worship.
That’s right, it’s Pumpkin Fetish Season.
From the seemingly mundane — chocolate being sold in orange wrapping paper, to the downright gruesome like attacking an innocent pumpkin with a knife to carve a face into it — if you were an alien observing those customs for the first time, you’d think your mind was playing tricks on you.
But I can assure you, this is as real as the $578 in property damage you had to pay Mr Phillips last year because your kid doesn’t know you’re supposed to unroll the toilet paper before throwing it.
But I digress.
One tradition really takes the cake though. That’s the obsession with adding pumpkin spice to everything.
I’m not going to name the company, but we all know where this started.
I’m also not going to be judgmental about this.
We’re all writers here. We all know the appeal of going to a café, opening our laptops, and pretending to write.
But it’s not just coffee receiving the “P.S.” treatment. No food or drink is safe. And if you thought this trend was limited to the culinary realm, think again!
The most egregious example of this pumpkin spice fetish was committed only a few days ago by medium.com’s very own Smillew Rahcuef. In a distressing article that treats both Halloween in general and pumpkins in particular as a resource to be ruthlessly exploited by fellow heartless bloggers, the suggestion is made to add pumpkin spice to Medium articles!
“BOO!”, I say to this.
“BOO!”
How much longer will this continue? How much more do we have to endure?
Please join me in stopping the madness.
Next time you order a coffee, just take it black. And next time you want to write a Halloween article on Medium, just make it about vampires or something.
Greetings,
The Pumpkin.
This story is part of the Pumpkin Universe — a pumpkin explores humanity’s customs during Spooky Season in a series of letters. Here are two more examples:
To read about and contribute to Gunner Barrett’s Halloween theme on Doctor Funny, click here:
