It’s a bird, it’s a plane… it’s a believable excuse
Super Alibi Guy
The inexcusably excuse-filled superhero
Hey, everyone, my name is Al Ibi, or that’s at least what I tell the public, and I’m a superhero! Well, to be fair I’m no cape-wearing or armour-toting individual with enhanced abilities beyond belief. I’m more of a behind-the-scenes superhero.
I have the extraordinary ability to provide an airtight excuse to cover up something you don’t want anyone to know about. People call my number, 1-67A-LIBI all the time. Today I’m going to tell you about three of my favourite instances.
#1. Pam McCullough from Accident, Maryland
Pam was a lovely woman to talk to, but in quite a dilemma. Her son, Quigley, had found a squirrel with a punctured trachea. For an eight-year-old, he was doing an impressive job of nursing it back to health.
Unfortunately, Quigley was expecting to keep this squirrel as a pet. He named it Professor Squirrel after Ian Hart’s character in Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001). That was when his mother noticed that he was getting a little attached to this critter that has no business being domesticated.
Push came to shove, while her son was at school, Pam had let the squirrel go back into the woods where it came. Inevitably, Quigley started asking questions. That was when she stopped everything and called me. I told her to use big words to confuse him, making the sudden departure of the squirrel as convincing as possible. Her exact words were:
“Son, Professor Squirrel has absconded from our domicile of its own volition.”
Quigley looked at his mother as if he wanted to cry, but was too confused by the sentence she uttered to convey emotion.
Perfect cover-up!
#2. Jimothy Brapkis from Why, Arizona
Jimothy was a strange fellow, but I’m never one to shy away when someone needs an alibi.
He worked as an FBI agent on many top-secret missions. What made him a bit of a liability was the confidentiality part. He was telling me details about the John F. Kennedy assassination that I don’t think I’m supposed to know, but case in point, I was obligated to help him cover up his tracks.
My solution for him was to gaslight any superior authority who might question him. I suggested that he’d developed Changnesia-24, a volatile variant of the original psychological disease.
This variant will affect memory storage in the brain, so Jimothy can selectively remember what he’s said, and to who. He’s called me back several times chatting about numerous times he’s used that alibi, some more shocking than others. It’s led to another epidemic of Changnesia around the world.
Yet another happy ending with the perfect camouflage.
#3. Warren Iceland from Asbestos, Québec
Ah yes, the tale of Warren Iceland. One of my best efforts in my mind, but enough about what I think, let me tell you about the day that the Iceland Individual called me.
Warren has a thick French-Canadian accent, so when he called me it was like listening to a Slap Chop, literally mincing words, but I managed to piece things together.
His problem was that whenever people say his full name, it sounds like they’re saying “War in Iceland.”
Not only did he inform me that his descendants were Icelandic Vikings, he felt like he was a disgrace to his heritage whenever anyone said his name. He was sad because Iceland is a peaceful nation. He would never wish war upon it, despite living in Canada.
I thought long and hard about the alibi to issue Warren. I ultimately told him that he should tell people that Warren Iceland isn’t his real name. I faxed him a literal boatload of fake birth certificates and legal namesakes to use in various contexts as he sees fit.
A few that come to mind are Mark Mywords, Les Ismore, Travis Tee, and Franklin Roosevelt. Warren has used many of them so far. He calls me every time he’s used a new name. I just keep finding happy endings!
I guess to wrap this up, I will leave you with my motto, or words of wisdom if you will:
“If you can’t get by, use an alibi.” — Super Alibi Guy
