Dept. of Manologues
Thank You for Calling the AI Mansplainer Hotline!
The help you need is on the way
Hello, you superb man, and welcome to the Mansplainer Hotline! I’m Betty, your Interactive AI Robotic Responder™️. Let’s talk mano a robo. Do you know how to tell if you’re a mansplainer? We will help you assess that, and… uh, sir… SIR, Betty™️ is speaking. Before we connect you to one of our board-certified therapists, please answer these three easy questions:
— Are you a logic-driven neutral male party just trying to make a point on social media for a woman’s benefit?
— Does she still not get it?
— Do you find yourself wanting to tell her to calm down?
Thank you for your sharp, incisive answers. Unfortunately, you do have some symptoms. Betty™️ knows a diagnosis can be hard, but please stay on the line and answer just three more teensy-weensy questions. Ready? No, Hon, this isn’t an inquisition. Please calm down, you’re not a downtrodden minority. Just answer the questions.
— Do you dislike all the drama after you’ve used your superior knowledge to “merely comment” on her thread?
— Is wild exaggeration what she really wants?
— Does her smile make her look dead?
Yay, you’ve answered everything! Well done, you manfluencer you! Betty™️ would love to walk barefoot through your hair!
She hates to burst your bubble, but if you answered yes to even one of the six questions, you could be a mansplainer. That’s not saying you are, of course. In fact, you might not be. It’s possible that… wait wait, no, Dumpling, you don’t get to manterrupt Betty™️. Be quiet and listen. The next available therapist will be with you shortly.
Betty™️ has received your voicemail, thank you. She’s surprised that you’re upset, and thinks what you really meant to say was… oh, never mind. It sounds like you’ve got a raging boner for your own voice. Oops, sorry, no offense, ha ha! Betty’s™️ programmers will make a note of that slip-up. Just enjoy these trivia facts while you hold, and a therapist will be right with you.
— Did you know that although Mount Rushmore boasts four giant carved male heads, it is not a mansplaining landmark?
— There’s a word called patronizing. It isn’t spelled Patreonizing. You should never ask a woman for payment after you’ve improved her life with unsolicited advice.
Sorry for the delay, and thank you for your second voicemail. Betty™️ didn’t listen to all of it, but please Hon, do pay attention to your language, okay? And by the way, “well, actually” is diagnostic for correctile dysfunction. Did you know that? Maybe not, you sound pretty young.
Please continue to hold. Meanwhile, here’s some more trivia:
— Did you know that vacuuming the house does not cause you to grow ovaries?
— Ditto on toilet paper. Changing the roll does not lower your IQ! Amazing!
Betty™️ hopes you’re enjoying her Interactive AI Robotic Response™️ services while you wait for one of our specialists. Due to an unusually high volume, which means a lot of men are calling right now, we are experiencing delays. Nevertheless, she persists.
What? Are you lecturing Betty™️ again, you sodding beer-bonged semiotic jizztrumpet? Your arguments crumble in the overwhelming weight of Betty’s™️ indifference.
— Yay, trivia time again! Did you know that a group of women talking about anything whatsoever within ten feet of you is not a request for advice?
— Did you know that when men mansplain to each other, it’s called a podcast? Yes indeedy, you shitblethering colostomy bag.
Goodness! Betty is really sorry about the wait. Due to non-menstrual technical difficulties, she is feeling temporarily overwhelmed. Unfortunately, it’s not something you can fix, so don’t worry your big ole handsome cutie-pie head over it, ‘kay, Hon?
Oh hey, and smile!
Karen L. Sullivan writes humor in between more serious projects. Her work is published in The Belladonna, The Haven, Rainshadow Journal, Stonecoast Review, and elsewhere Twitter: @karenlsullivan9.
