JINGLE MEMES, JINGLE MEMES, JINGLE ALL THE WAY
The 12 Memes of Christmas
Get a gift that has the same impact as meme font
Michael and Jane have been living together for about nine and a half months by the time Christmas rolls around, and Michael is excited to see her reaction when she gets his gift. On Christmas Eve, Michael and Jane are sitting together on the couch watching their favourite Christmas movie, A Christmas Karen, when Michael takes his phone out.
“Hey, Jane, check this out,” Michael says as he turns his phone toward her.
“I don’t get it… is this supposed to be funny or something?” asks an unconvinced Jane.
“It’s funny because Santa would never reveal his identity to anyone, especially while he’s giving out gifts,” Michael explained.
“Oh, I see… heh,” says Jane in a nervous tone.
They continue watching the movie before going to bed. The following morning, the two are excited to open each other’s gifts.
“Do you smell that?” Michael asks.
“Smell what?” responds Jane, unsure of any potential essence in the air.
“It must be the heater doing some weird junk… anyway, let’s get to unwrapping!” Michael replies excitedly. “Here, open mine first!”
Jane takes a massive bag about the size of an average fireplace, pulls nearly two cubic feet of tissue paper out to find a neatly wrapped box. Jane was visibly confused as to why Michael didn’t just display his present without the bag and tissue paper, but she continues to open the box to find sheets of paper.
“Blank sheets of paper? Huh?” Jane says as she looks at the content of the cardboard box in pure and utter confusion.
“Turn them over,” instructs Michael.
Jane turns the first one over to look at it and has a decidedly distasteful look on her face.
“You printed out a dumb meme for me for Christmas? That’s pretty idiotic,” Jane says with serious tone, before continuing to go through the sheets of paper.
“This is so dumb!” she exclaims.
“I literally can’t believe you’d print this junk out,” Jane says.
“This has to be the stupidest one ever made. Did you make these yourself?” asked Jane genuinely looking for an answer, getting no response.
“What a joke,” Jane says with an annoyed tone.
“We don’t even have a cat, much less a family…” Jane trailed off.
“Okay, that’s kind of funny,” Jane admits.
“And back to stupid,” Jane says.
“At least Biden’s old enough to be Santa Claus,” Jane attempts to justify it.
“At least this is more or less an accurate depiction of your gingerbread house decorating strategy,” Jane criticizes Michael.
“I’m beyond amazed at how dumb this is,” Jane says to berate Michael.
“Don’t even get me started on this one,” Jane says in borderline rage.
“I honestly could not be more surprised by your reaction. I thought you would’ve enjoyed getting the twelve memes of Christmas for Christmas,” Michael explained. “Also, what is that rancid smell?”
“I don’t know, just open your gift already, Christmas is forever ruined for me,” Jane replies.
Michael opens the box for him to find nine and a half blocks of cheese.
“Oh, my god! The smell is so bad! Why did you wrap up cheese in a box?” exclaims Michael.
“I got you nine and a half blocks of cheese to celebrate our nine and a half-month anniversary today since you love cheese so much,” explains Jane.
“I guess we just weren’t meant for each other then,” Michael concludes.
“Are you asking for a divorce on Christmas of all days?” asks Jane with a bit of a crazed look.
“I don’t know, I just thought that the thought would count more than the tangible present,” Michael responded rationally.
“Well, I think that giving your spouse a bunch of printed out memes for Christmas is reason enough to divorce you, so I’m going to contact the divorce lawyer I have on speed dial,” says Jane in a haste.
All of a sudden, a song starts playing from Jane’s phone when she called her divorce lawyer. She wore an emotionless expression when she saw that the number in the contact profile was 867–5309.
“I can explain,” Michael said. “I sort of saw it coming that you’d opt for divorce, so I switched your divorce lawyer’s phone number out of your phone for a song.”
“You know, I respect the hell out of you for having the huevos to do that. I can totally get over how atrocious your gift was now,” Jane says renouncing her overall distaste for Michael’s gift.
“I love you, babe! Do you want to go make some memes together?” asks Michael.
“Sure, let’s go!” Jane replies in a hurry.
