JUSTIN TRUDEAU RUINS ALL THE FUN
The Hangover and An Epic Party: 12-Word Challenge Edition
Kristine Laco’s Birthday Month Special
So I’m still trying to figure out how I woke up in hoochie shorts tied to the back of a private jet at Billy Bishop Toronto City Airport on the Toronto Islands. And why do I smell like a urinal? Let’s take it back a bit to last night.
It was Kristine Laco’s Birthday Blowout Ballbag and Bourbon Bimbo Bash and we all got wasted. I think that the night started off with a competition involving a condom and a tampon.
I just wasn’t sure why the ladies were wearing condoms and the guys were using tampons and what the objective of the game was. Let’s just say that the game ended with hysterical Canadian confusion and more twists and turns than the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
I thought the night might escalate into an international situation after a completely sober Christopher Robin was asked to lead the procession with the Canadian national anthem and ended up singing, “Blame Canada” from the South Park movie. On brand, it was probably the averagest performance of the song he could’ve given so his troll could be forgiven on this night.
We’re all still trying to figure out why Jennifer McDougall left a loogie on the leftover birthday cake. Sure, we ordered a six-tier wedding-style cake for Laco on her birthday, and when it was Jen’s birthday, we almost forgot and picked up a gas station carrot cake at the last minute and put a trick candle on it so that it took her minutes and minutes to figure out that she wouldn’t blow it out.
I’m sure that had nothing to do with it.
Meanwhile, in the palatial backyard of some Canadian socialite’s mansion, there was a 500-foot styrofoam effigy of Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) for some reason. Considering that he was at the party, this was an interesting choice. And why were we lighting it on fire at one point? And burning styrofoam doesn’t have the same effect as burning straw.
I’m pretty sure that Gunner Barrett was permanently passed out after the party because of that. Was Laco’s birthday party also a Doc Burning Man or just an attempt to snuff Gunner out and did we all know that he would be standing way too close to the Doc’s effigy all night?
We’ll never really know.
I don’t know who was responsible for booking the famous American DJ, Marshmallo, for the show but we ended up getting a knockoff, off-brand, life-sized Marshmallow-like figure who came, and all it wanted to do was bounce inside the giant ballbag bouncy house that smelled like pickles and regret and scream offensive slurs at the rest of the party.
He did all of this while telling people to change the track at his DJ station every time the song ended. Did we pay $500,000 for that? Did he think that we were actually fooled by the Marshmallow/Marshmallo confusion? We were all just too drunk to care.
Did we even have to put up with that major twattage at a legend’s birthday party?
The DJ wasn’t the only spectacle. There was also the matter of the Canadian PM’s long-standing beef with Laco and the reason he came to the party in the first place. Originally, he only came to Laco’s party ironically because apparently Laco’s Canadian royalty, duh, but her and the current PM have a beef because she claimed to look better in hoochie shorts and a fedora than he does and she wouldn’t let it go and that is important to him for some reason.
Come to think of it, Justin and I were in matching hoochie shorts. Oh, no, I was so drunk and I did feel a soreness and wetness that didn’t quite feel sticky but more like a wet sort of liquid cometh from my nether regions. Is that why I woke up with a kazoo up my ass farting “God Save the Queen”? Damn you, Trudeau and Kristine Laco. And happy birthday to the most epic of birthday queens. Let’s run this back again next year.
This story is part of the monthly Doctor Funny 12-Word Challenge. This one was a special one for Kristine Laco’s birthday month and I had a lot of fun with this one.
Averagest, Styrofoam, Condom, Hoochie Shorts, Marshmallow, Urinal, Ballbag, Twattage, Cometh, Troll, Loogie, Tampon
Bonus Word: Kristine Laco’s Birthday.
