Trump Reveals New Shade of Makeup: Criminal Bronze
Unveiling Trump’s ‘Criminal Bronze’ for an Oily, Radioactive Glow
The Lincoln Project put out an ad with a challenge: Name that shade of foundation. As a former advertising copywriter, I couldn’t resist. I workshopped it a bit, and here is what I came up with:
Criminal Bronze gives felons that panic-sweat glow that harkens back to the golden grifting days of Bernie Madoff. This full-bodied, clay-based foundation fills most holes in Adderal-pitted skin. The tarnished penny tint with cracked leather distressed finish gives a strongman aura to any aspiring dictator. Criminal Bronze provides dense coverage, giving you the confidence to be a dictator not just for one day, but for life.
From arrests to bail, to the most hectic trial grind in New York, whether for rape, defamation or business fraud, to a busy trial docket in Washington DC for attempts to overturn an election, to the gentle breezes of delay in a Florida stolen top-secret documents espionage case, all the way to long nights in federal prison, the taint of Criminal Bronze will last and last.
Affordable for any potential president using campaign funds, this formula will take you easily from national grievance tours all the way to future world travel if you decide to flee justice at…
