Advanced Reverse Psychology
Using Doctor’s Powers for Good for Once
Never tell me the odds
If there is a profession with more buzzkills than doctors I’d like to know.
My brief time on this Earth has been spent reading medical miracle stories, and boy, I can tell you, my pattern recognition skills have me realizing that every single story of a person learning to walk starts with a doctor telling them they’re never going to walk.
Or they’ll never play professional sports again.
Or they’ll never see the Leafs win the cup.
And I’m starting to think it’s some sort of reverse jinx they’re performing. After all, doctors are spiritual descendants of witch doctors, our earliest medical professionals who lived on mountain tops and required sheep sacrifices (on a good day!).
I’ve thought up a list of ways these Buzz Killingtons might be able to put their voodoo to work in more positive ways.
“You’ll never cure world hunger.”
Most obvious reverse jinx of all time. You bet little Johnny, who was on the fence about playing with GI Joes or Beyblades, is about to have a major coming-to-Jesus moment. If only one doctor dropped this nugget into his head during a routine examination, we might solve one of Earth’s most problematic logistical issues.
“You’ll never stop that storm from rolling in and devastating our little town of Leveegon’bust. “
Those ominous cloud spell doom for the quaint little population of 80,000.
Perhaps a wise medicine man could incept some old man to travel back in time and learn to fly cloud-seeding planes. He could then use that knowledge in the present day to rip up his flight plan (much to the chagrin of ATC) and save the town that’s about to get so much rain that the levee will break and murder thousands of stilt-less-home residents.
“You’ll never take care of your aging parents.”
Got this idea from my mom. It wouldn’t take much for the doctor to drop this one on me while I’m coming in to get my liver enzymes checked. Just slip him an easy twenty-dollar bill, and for sure he’d use his enormous powers to change the course of my life forever. Next thing you know, I’d be moving back home and doing grocery runs while insisting it’s fine that we’re watching I Love Lucy reruns for the 8th day in a row and not the Big Game featuring my favorite team.
“You’ll never win the lottery again.”
So tired of hearing about these down-on-their-luck lotto winners ending up bankrupt a year after collecting their winnings! About time someone did something about this problem. I nominate doctors! With this simple phrase, those never-lucky Powerball winners will finally be free from the incredibly bad luck of only winning the lottery once!
“You’ll never overcome the first law of thermodynamics and unlock infinite free energy for everyone.”
We know the reason this hasn’t been spoken. Or if it has, the government quickly came in and kidnapped and mind-wiped the patient before they could change history because anything as good as energy shouldn’t be free. Like healthcare.
“You’ll never hiccup again.”
I mean, this should be the first thing each and every doctor says to you when you enter their office. My close family friend developed permanent hiccups when he turned 80, and not even scoops of peanut butter made them go away. You ever hiccup and burp at the same time? I’m convinced if we solve this problem, world peace just takes care of itself.
If doctors could get on this again, that would be super. I’m tired of hearing, “you’ll never be able to metabolize dark rums again.” It’s draggin’ me down. Let’s tackle bigger problems, guys! Put that medical degree to good use for once!
