PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT
Vampiring Ain’t What It Used to Be
Hematophagy sucks without proper precautions
Even if you are undead
You still have to use your head.
The nursery rhyme has never been more true. Raising Hell without regard to unintended consequences is the stuff of days gone by.
Take heed of this reminder as the Happy Halloween Holiday approaches. Yes, my fledgling bat-wings, though you need not fear any man or woman, you must acknowledge your vulnerability to microbes. Indiscriminate acquisition of the fluid of life will cause you to accrue rue.
Practice “Safe Sucks™”
Though weak and nearly helpless, humans are veritable vessels of verminous virulence. Promiscuous sucks have the potential to render you sick and miserable.
But do not despair. Discretion and patience will put you on a path to enjoy undeath to the fullest without fear.
While abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure you will not acquire nasty diseases from humans, we all know that is out of the question. So we must be realistic and engage in Safe Sucks™.
It’s simple. Note the demographics and study the habits of your candidates. A little bit of research goes a long way toward protecting yourself. Suck safe, not sorry.
How To Practice Safe Sucks™
Virgins, virgins, virgins! Fear no STD when mouthing maidens and minimally mature men. Unfortunately, mature virgins have become woefully hard to find. Look for those in the Bible Belt who are saving themselves for that one special partner. Perhaps that one is you! And do not be fooled by the lyric asserting “Catholic girls start much too late.”
Pass on junkies. Intravenous drug users have no place in your diet. Who knows what else is in their bloodstreams? You can’t bank on those who are making deposits instead of withdrawals.
Speaking of banks, why not check one out? While the thrill of the chase is absent, blood banks are full of tested tasty treats. Tip to Suckers: Skip the platelets and go for the red cells. And don’t forget to check out the phlebotomists. Just because they also draw blood does not mean you should spare them due to professional courtesy.
Avoid alcoholics. Even if they carry no diseases, nobody wants to wake up with a wicked hangover.
Stay away from “Senior Living Communities.” While the pickings are easy, and there will be no questions about a few extra bodies, a cocktail of Vicodin, Zocor, and Prilosec will do you no good. And the misfortune of selecting a subject heavily medicated with Ducolax will ruin your day.
Unfortunately, the Coronavirus Pandemic is mostly over. There was nothing better than populations isolating in fear of communicable diseases. But even though the times have changed, you can still benefit. Stalk those who continue to wear masks in public.
Puncture, Filter, Suck. For the technologically savvy, consider using a BloodStraw™ to deter the nasties. While not quite as satisfying as intimate contact, using these prophylactics removes bacteria, parasites, and microplastics, and also improves taste. Available at all-night drugstores everywhere.
Look for those who, like yourself, are careful about their habits. Loners such as writers and nature photographers are prime candidates. These people are rarely invited to parties or social gatherings where diseases are easily transmitted.
Seek out those who minimize contact with others and keep to themselves. While you may not find the personal hygiene of computer hackers and video gamers to be appealing, their unattractiveness and physical isolation from disease-ridden society ensures the purity of their blood.
Under no circumstances should you consider the blood of politicians. Their constant glad-handing and frequent obsequious sex acts with multiple donors rule them out. And you’ll find that you’ve wasted your time stalking one of these empty, soulless creatures. Though they spout rhetoric about being red-blooded, they often suck more blood than you.
There you have it, fellow Bloodsuckers. Pay heed to these words to the wise and stay healthy, stealthy, and undead.
