Cracking Deal

We’re Your Friendly Chiropractic Clinic — Ready To Set You Straight!

But first, we’ll take your life savings in exchange for organic apples

Ana Brody
Doctor Funny

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Male chiropractor adjusting woman’s leg.
She seems content despite having spent her life savings. Designed by Freepik

Welcome to our friendly chiropractic clinic.

We can’t wait for you to embark on your health journey with us for the next ten years.

First off, thank you for completing the online medical history form — all fifteen pages of it. We know this must have taken a lot of your precious time. And it’ll take more than half of your first appointment to go through the same questions again.

This is to ensure that we’re fully aware of the ins and outs of your health — and also to fill the appointment time, since we charge you a fortune.

Please, do take a seat. Have an apple while you wait. They’re first-class organic, buffed to a lustrous glow, and artfully arranged in the Swarovski bowl in front of you.

Don’t be shy. You’re paying for it. However, we don’t advertise this. It’ll appear as an initial consultation on your payment receipt.

While you eat, we’ll play a video about your spine and how it works — information that will likely not make any sense to you, nor will you know what to do with it. But we feel we owe you this much since you’re paying for the Swarovski bowl as well.

The short film explains your vertebrae and why you ended up sitting in our white boucle chair to watch it. It’s called subluxation. Oh no, don’t be scared! It’s nothing we can’t fix. It’s just the medical term for your buffoonery in dancing to Shakira.

It happens to all of us. Not dancing to Shakira. Subluxation: the misalignment of vertebrae.

Yes, it’s a fancy word. And we like it. It gives you a glimpse of our extensive knowledge on the subject matter, and will prompt you to whip out your bank card and pop it in the PDQ machine without asking further questions.

But back to your back.

Got it? Back to your…back.

We’re funny folks here, but certainly no pun intended. We take your health extremely seriously because we know that walking bent forward at a 90- degree angle, isn’t the position God intended for you to be in. Also, it makes dancing to Shakira awkward.

So, let’s get down to business.

We’ve got some bad news and some good news. Which one would you like to start with?

The good one?

The good one it is, then. You’re paying for this health adventure, after all.

We can help with that.

We’ll crack you good, and your backache will be nothing more than a distant memory. You’ll be making new ones — especially of our treatment table, where you’ll spend a whopping three minutes every time you visit.

Anything else? No, that’s all. We think the first part is a fantastic promise, considering we can’t guarantee it.

Now, down to the bad news.

One treatment won’t cut it. Sorry, we don’t do things half-heartedly here. Also, we have a Tesla with a monthly payment of £850.00. And 36 months to go.

Having said that, we have fantastic packages to choose from, tailored to everyone’s pockets with different depths. But the deeper is your pocket, the healthier your spine will be. This is just a side note. Wink, wink! In fact, barely a whisper. We would never impose.

To prove that we’re true professionals, not some greedy money grabbers trying to make you pay for our luxuries, we’ll recommend the cheapest option. 18 adjustments for the price of 20 — our most popular offer.

Your spine is surely worth even more. Don’t you think?

How much will this cost? We hear you. It’s a frequently asked question. So, let’s crunch some numbers.

The basic package is pure value for the cracks you get. It costs only £13,453.76. That’s if you pay on the spot. Should you delay making a decision and return the next day to settle the payment, the price will increase. Don’t ask why. It’s the rule.

But to show you how much we care about your spine and that pesky subluxation, we’re willing to make an exception today. We realize that once you start your treatment plan, it will likely last forever — if it has anything to do with us, anyway.

Let us just run through this quickly:

13,453.76 divided by 3, multiplied by 25…hang in there, plus minus one, added 300, discounted at 1% — because we’re feeling nice — gives a total of £13,453.74.

AN OPPORTUNITY NOT TO MISS!

You’re asking where the numbers are coming from? Eeww, it’s such a complicated calculation. Don’t let that concern you. Focus on your spine, and we’ll take care of the rest.

How does that sound?

Oh, expensive?

Well, isn’t your back worth every penny? It sure is.

Don’t forget to pay on your way out to enjoy the benefits of the price drop.

And our promise to you?

We’ll fill the Swarovski bowl with organic pears next time.

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