Dale Carnegie on Listening, Avoiding Arguments, and Admitting When You’re Wrong
When social media management app Buffer posts a job opening they ask that applicants read two books before even sending their resume. The two books are Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh and How to Win Friends and Influence People (dbu library)by Dale Carnegie. The Hsieh book seems appropriate. Hsieh thinks outside the box and is a hero among many internet entrepreneurs. But why How to Win Friends?
This book was written in the 1930s, nearly 80 years ago; which is about 8 lifetimes in technology terms.
If you are concerned about things like strategic operations and global marketing, this book isn’t for you. Carnegie’s book will have little application for running a business in the 21st Century. But, what Carnegie’s book excels at is teaching you the art of dealing with that old and complicated technology — people.
In many ways, the internet has made our interactions with each other more difficult and complicated. The internet magnifies bad habits and feeds our propensity for self obsession. Most of our efforts online are spent validating our own information lusts and confirming our biases. When we come across something that is contrary to our biases we dig in and are ready to fight, or at least insult those on the other side.
Somehow, even after multiple advances in understanding self and human behavior we think that arguing the loudest and with the most pointedness will change someone’s mind. Carnegie knew better, even in 1934. Listen to some of the ways that Carnegie advises readers to influence people:
Be interested in people
Avoid arguments
If you are wrong, admit it
Listen
Right the urge to interrupt
See the other point of view
First, let’s look at why we should avoid arguments. Carnegie is not advocating some passive aggressive stance meant to enlist sympathy. He has something much nobler in mind. This is summed up in a quote from Benjamin Franklin:
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”
As if avoiding arguments wasn’t sacrifice enough, Carnegie later stresses the need to admit when we are wrong. He cites the example of Robert E. Lee after the failure of Pickett’s Charge. Instead of making excuses or placing blame in those who carried out the attack, Lee confessed, “ I and I alone have lost this battle.” Carnegie claims that more is gained from admitting our mistakes than constantly trying to defend ourselves.
“When we are right let’s try to win people gently and truthfully to our thinking; and when we are wrong — and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves — let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.”
Communication over the digital landscape is a problem for the same way that communication face to face is often a problem. Communication requires listening and not just talking. In the digital realm, reading and absorbing what is written is essential. Why is this so important?
Carnegie states that this kind of listening gives to the person talking a sense of importance and that leads to progress in the relationship:
“Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours. If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
With great counterintuitive wisdom, Carnegie is able to see the big picture when most of us can only see the snapshot that makes us uncomfortable. What would happen if we let others take center stage instead of ourselves?
“We ought to be modest, for neither you nor I amount to much. Both of us will pass on and be completely forgotten a century from now. Life is too short to bore other people with talk of our petty accomplishments. Let’s encourage them to talk instead.”
Carnegie thought he would be completely forgotten a century after he wrote the words above, not only has he not been forgotten but he is valued and prized as an expert on human interactions and making a mark in the world. His is a voice that we can use in any time period.
To find this book and other books by Carnegie, go here and type in his name.
