Jealously
A poem to those that hurt
I forgive you for choosing him
I hurt and I don’t blame you
I don’t blame myself either
I’ll stop waiting for you now
I want to break down and cry in your arms
For you to tell me it’s going to be okay
For you to love me
For you to save me
It seems so far away now
My mind spins through each scenario
Old love songs playing on repeat until my ears ring
Pushups and sprints until I only feel the fire in my body
I remember failed relationships
Am I broken?
No.
I’m strong, and kind, and brave, and loving…and lovable
I’m lovable — I’m good enough
My heart is just bruised
Maybe I’m too weird for you
But I fucking love myself
When I hear you open the door, I’ll still say hello
But I’m letting go of any desired future
When I see you with him, I’ll leave you alone
There’s enough love in this house for everyone
I’ll stop asking for your love, because I want to stop feeling inadequate
There’s others that know how to love me
I won’t withhold any piece of myself
You’ll still feel my love through shared food and support
I hold no grudges
I wish I could cry, but that was unlearned as a boy
I’m jealous. I’m angry. I’m sad.
I hurt, and I blame no one.
—
Cudi
November 8, 2019
Portland, OR
