Shut up & Listen

Learning to listen for the sake of others

Listen as attentively and soulfully as a dog.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey

I’m an extrovert. I’m comfortable with who I am, and have come to embrace how I learn and communicate.

I learn best by evaluating data visually and verbally, talking through decision points much like a craftsman turns over a hunk of wood in his hands before making that first cut.

For example, I tend to think out loud, especially during workshops and discussions. This approach has worked pretty well, according to feedback from ad hoc teams (hackathons) and consulting clients.

The hard part is recognizing when to change your approach. What happens if your “normal” just isn’t working and your words seem to hang in the air, then slide off the front of people’s confused—or worse—impassive faces?

How do you adapt?

First, you need to recognize that something is wrong.

1. Take the temperature of the room. Has the energy in the room changed? Did your meeting start on a good note, but you realize you’re the one doing most of the talking?
2. Body Language. Have you noticed that Nancy has stopped nodding to indicate she’s following along? Is Phil’s watch getting more eye time than your presentation?
3. Physical cues. Have people stopped taking notes? Are people suddenly more interested in their smartphones than what you’re saying (yes, this is poor form for anyone to do in a meeting, but it happens).

If you think something’s not quite right, the best thing to do is:

1. Put on the brakes. If people aren’t following your train of thought, you need to stop and put things in reverse. Find out where you lost them.
2. Open up the floor. Acknowledge the situation. Ask what others think, and figure out where they are in the conversation. Re-establish empathy with your audience by asking questions like, “Does this make sense?” or “I’m seeing some puzzled expressions. Does anyone have any questions on what I’m saying?”
3. Shut up. Stop talking so you can hear your audience.
4. Listen. Really listen. Don’t just wait your turn to talk. If you’re just waiting to speak again, you will risk missing signals — really important information telling you where your audience is, what matters to them, and where they want to go.

Sounds simple, right? Yeah, I thought so too — right up until I realized I had been talking about 50 miles per hour and I turned around and could barely see my audience in the rearview mirror.

I’m an extrovert, but knowing when to curb my personal style is part of the eternal struggle to becoming a better listener.