Of Course Trump Wants A Big Parade Where Thousands Of Armed Men Will March By & Salute Him. Duh!

By David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)

I’ve been thinking about Mr. Ego’s call for a Big Military Parade.

What are they good for? Who else has them? Should we have one too?

What Countries Have Annual Military Parades?

The countries that regularly have military parades fall into roughly two groups:

  • Those that are not known for their military prowess, and
  • Those that are run by authoritarian regimes.

Hmmmm. The U.S. doesn’t really fit into either category. At least not yet.

Countries Not Known For Winning Wars

In the first group we have France and Belgium.

It’s somewhat of an understatement to say that France and Belgium are not major military powers.

Do their parades make anybody think, “Wow, look at that tank. Man-o-man, I sure don’t want to tangle with those Belgians”?

Maybe they’re like the nerd whose closet is full of The Flash, Superman and Batman t-shirts. In some hidden, tiny corner of his mind the nerd imagines, “If I wear a Superman t-shirt, people will think that I am like Superman” but that doesn’t actually work for countries, or for nerds either for that matter.

I doubt that even the Belgians lining the streets and waving little orange and black flags as the tanks roll by are thinking to themselves, “Boy, are we tough or what?

But, hey, if it makes Belgium feel good to strut around in a metaphorical Superman t-shirt, what’s the harm?

The USA isn’t Belgium or France. We don’t need half-tracks towing cannons down the street to make us feel as if our military is the real deal. We know our army is the real deal.

Actually, I think that what most of the Belgian and French citizens watching their respective military parades are thinking is, “Well, we’re not totally helpless and anybody who wants to invade us is going to get a bloody nose or two before we surrender.”

But, maybe not. Maybe what they’re really thinking is: “Wow, what a spectacle! What a show! What a great way to spend an afternoon outside with the kids,” sort of like New Yorkers watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, but in their case they’re clapping for balloons shaped like dinosaurs, chickens and squirrels instead of thousands of marching men carrying flame-throwers and machine guns.

So, the Belgian/French reasons for having these parades don’t really apply to the USA at all.

Authoritarian Governments Love Military Parades

And then we have the second group of countries who regularly hold military parades: China, Russia, Iraq under Saddam Hussein, and North Korea.

Now, you can say that Russia isn’t ruled by an authoritarian regime whose leader differs from a run-of-the-mill dictator mostly in name only, but that would be a tough argument to win.

So, why do Russia, China and North Korea hold annual Military Parades? What’s the motivation there?

I don’t think they’re trying to say much of anything to us.

The People Need To Be Reminded Who’s Boss

Sure, they’d like us to think, “Those guys are seriously dangerous” but we’re not really the intended audience.

No, the primary targets of the exercise are their own citizens, and for them the government’s Parade message is: “We are bad dudes, and we’re not screwing around here. Keep your mouth shut and do what the government tells you or you’re in for a world of hurt.

I’m reminded some lines from Bob Dylan’s Subterranean Homesick Blues:

Look out kid.

Don’t matter what you did.

Walk on your tip toes.

Don’t tie no bows.

Better stay away from those

that carry around a fire hose.

Keep a clean nose.

Watch the plain clothes.

You don’t need a weather man

To know which way the wind blows.

But, even that isn’t actually, truly the REAL reason that authoritarian countries have annual military parades.

A Military Parade Is An Egomaniac’s Wet Dream

The overriding, bedrock, gotta-have-it reason why Iraq under Saddam, Russia, China and North Korea all go nuts for military parades, the biggest, most important reason of all is:

As the Leader is standing there with thousands of armed men marching past him, inside his head he’s screaming: “Yes! Bow Down To Me. All Hail Me! I Am The Man!

It’s not about money. All these dictator-types have already got billions and billions and billions of dollars stashed away in their Swiss bank accounts.

Let’s face it. If you are a big-time dictator you’re really in it for the power. It’s all about the power. You love the power.

If you’re a world-class egomaniac, that “Do what I tell you! Kiss my ass. Off with their heads” stuff is what really gets you hot. It’s the constant “Heil Hitler, Yes, mine Fuhrer” routine that totally gets Der Leader out of bed in the morning.

Dictators not only want it to be all about them. They want everybody else to know that it’s all about them. And don’t you forget it!

What bigger high is there for a egomaniac Supreme Leader than a really, really big military parade. I mean, just think about it:

Thousands of men loaded down with machine guns and hand grenades all marching past you, saluting you, all under your control, swearing allegiance to YOU.

And when each one marches by, turns to you, and salutes you it’s as if they’re all shouting: “Command me, O Great Leader, and I will kill for you. I will die for you. You are the boss.”

Talk about a narcissistic egomaniac’s wet dream!

Of Course. That’s It!

Oh. Now I know why The Great White Dope wants a parade!

— David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)



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David Grace

Graduate of Stanford University & U.C. Berkeley Law School. Author of 16 novels and over 400 Medium columns on Economics, Politics, Law, Humor & Satire.