Secret White House Plan To End Drug Crisis Revealed

Surreptitious Oval-Office Recordings Detail President’s Plan To End Overdose Epidemic

By David Wilaru* (David Wilaru’s bio appears at the end of this story)

Determined to assure their place in history, Presidents Johnson and Nixon regularly recorded their Oval Office conversations in the hope that with full access to their struggles, posterity would be kind to them. It wasn’t.

Contrary to his predecessors, the current occupant of the White House planned no such memorialization of his activities, but in the heat and pressure of a building filled with small minds and large egos, recordings of one sort or another were made nevertheless.

Tapping into a network of informants and back-biters, the discouraged, disappointed and disillusioned, I, David G. Wilaru, have obtained access to certain of these, until now, secret videos. Here is a transcript of one of them.

* * *

Perpetually confused by the seemingly random letters spilled across a computer keyboard, the President bent over his desk and painfully eked out the text of his How I Will End The Drug Crisis speech in block letters scrawled in his usual, shaky hand.

“Put this on the machine,” he ordered an hour later, flapping the pages in Kelly’s face.

“The, uhhh, . . ?”

“The big type thing that I read from,” the President said, his features slipping into an angry frown.

“The tele-prompter?” Kelly asked.

“Chop, chop! And round up the usual audience. I want to try this one on for size.”

Half an hour later the President was sitting in his favorite high-backed chair, the White House grounds blurrily visible through the window behind him. Out of frame below the camera’s lens, the first sentence was cued up and ready to scroll by in 120 point type.

Der Leader gave a happy wave to the staff seated in an arc along the back wall, then turned to the camera’s soothing, glass eye.

“My fellow Americans,” he began, twisting his lips into a doughy frown, “I want to talk to you today about the terrible drug crisis that is infecting our great and wonderful country. Fed by gangs of vicious criminals, millions of Americans have fallen into the evil pit of drug addiction.

“This has been going on for a long time, a long time, and what have the Democrats done about it? Nothing! With all their hand-wringing and namby-pamby government give-away schemes, things have only gotten worse and worse, which is why the American People elected me to solve this horrible problem.

“And I will. Believe me, I will solve it!

“My soft-headed predecessors promoted stupid, stupid programs that gave people free drugs and free needles at taxpayer expense. People are dying of vicious, evil, horrible drug addiction and the Democrat’s solution was to give them free needles so that they could inject themselves with even more drugs!

“This is how crazy our once great country has become. Can you believe it? The Democrat’s plan is for the government to take away our guns and in their place give us free needles so that we can all inject ourselves with addictive drugs. That’s not making America Great. That’s making America Not Great. Well, let me tell you, that stops right now.

“People have asked me, ‘Mr. President, what are you going to do about this drug crisis? Do you have a plan?’

“Yes, of course I have a plan. I’m a very smart person. I just am, so, of course, I have a great plan. A terrific plan. Probably the best plan to solve the drug problem that has ever existed. And like all great plans, mine is simple, fair, and cheap.

“Let me ask you, Is it fair that hard-working taxpayers should bear the cost of taking care of all these drug addicts? I say ‘No, it’s not.’

“They steal our cars. Burglarize our homes. Rob our businesses. It’s a crime wave, let me tell you, a total drug-addicted crime wave. Do you think some hippy-dippy therapy thing where everybody sits around in a circle and talks about their feelings is going to make people stop using drugs? That’s crazy talk.

“Those addicts are out there killing people to get money to buy drugs and we’re supposed to put them in some so-called rehab center that costs taxpayers thousands of dollars a month so that they can complain about how hard their lives are? You have to be on drugs to think that’s going to make those people stop using drugs.

“You know what will stop people from using drugs? When they decide that they don’t want to use them anymore, or when they die.

“Why do addicts continue to use drugs? Because it’s easy for them. They‘re thinking about how great it would be to get high so they walk down the street, break into a car or hit somebody on the head with a rock, take their money, walk a couple of blocks, pick up a free government needle, and then they buy drugs from some gang member who doesn’t even pay taxes.

“That’s just wrong.

“Well, we’re going to put a stop to that right now. Believe me, that’s over. No more. Done.

“‘How are we going to do that, Mr. President?’ you may ask. With a very simple yet brilliant plan based on a very simple idea. The best ideas are all simple ideas.

We’re going to tell all the addicts: ‘If you take drugs, you might die. You’re on your own.’

“Step one: I am today signing an Executive Order forbidding all public medical facilities, hospitals, ambulances and doctors from treating anyone at public expense for a drug overdose. No more of this, ‘He’s overdosed. Give him a shot of Narcan.’ That’s done. Over. No more Narcan at taxpayer expense.

“From now on, if you overdose on illegal drugs, we’re just going to let you die. That’s your choice. If you want to take those drugs then it’s all on you.

“And I’ll tell you, if these addicts know that the government’s not going to save them anymore, maybe they’ll wake up and say, ‘You know, this drug thing may not be such a good idea after all. If the next time I shoot up I could die, then maybe I shouldn’t shoot up anymore.’”

“So, step one in my terrific plan to end the drug crisis is to let the chips fall where they may. Like all great plans this one is simple and straight forward. You can say it all in three little words:

“Drugs mean death.

“That’s our motto: Let the chips fall where they may. Drugs Mean Death.

“Now, you may ask me, ‘Mr. President, does this mean that you’re going to make the sale of Narcan illegal?’

“No, because that would interfere with our great free-enterprise system. Companies can still sell Narcan if they want, just not to public hospitals. If some private citizen wants to pay for it out of their own pocket and spend their own money on these so-call rehab facilities, that’s their choice.

“People can spend their own money any way they like, but the government is no longer going to give these addicts a free ride at taxpayer expense.

“Now, you may be thinking, ‘Mr. President, will this really solve the drug epidemic?’ and let me tell you that it absolutely will, because in a very short time, very short, a year, maybe two, all those people will either have stopped using drugs or they’ll be dead.

“Drug addiction is genetic. We know this. It’s science. It’s in the genes. When we keep them alive, drug addicts just go on to create more drug addicts, but if we let nature take its course the problem solves itself.

“That’s the problem with the liberals. They’ve been fighting science. But not me. I’m a very smart person and I believe in science. Not the crazy Global Warming nonsense, but real science. What Darwin called ‘Natural Selection.’

“It won’t take long for these incorrigible drug addicts to solve the drug problem for us. They’ll take themselves out of the equation all on their own.

“We’ll fix this terrible problem with what people call ‘benign neglect.’ And when they’re gone their defective, addict genes will be gone with them.

“It’s like capital punishment. You arrest a bad guy, lock him up for a couple of years, then he gets out rapes somebody else. You catch him again, lock him up, he gets out and he rapes somebody else.

“If you just, you know, get rid of him the first time, problem solved. Case closed. He’s not a threat anymore.

“When I was elected in one of the most stunning and amazing political victories in the history of America, I promised to bring smart, simple, cheap, common sense back to Washington. I promised to drain the swamp, and when we’re rid of all those drug addicts America will be on the way to being Great Again.”

Der Leader flashed a big smile and a second later the lights clicked off with a dull thud.

“Stephen, what do you think?”

“Brilliant, Mr. President. Genius.”

“Yes, that’s what I think too. General?”

Kelly briefly glanced at his shoes then gave the President a tortured smile.

“Maybe we should test it before it goes live. Lots of your supporters have children who are addicts.”

“Not a problem. Those kids have been nothing but trouble for them. They’ll probably be thrilled when they’re gone. Any other comments?”

There was a moment of uneasy silence followed by a scattering of applause.

“All right then, back to work. Hold on a second, General.” When the last of the staff had left the room, Der Leader settled in behind his desk and gave Kelly a nervous glance.

“John, there is one thing that concerns me a little about this plan.”

“What’s that Mr. President?”

“What if the drugs themselves don’t entirely solve the problem?” A confused expression clouded the General’s face. “What if they don’t all overdose themselves? What if two or three years from now it’s still business as usual? I’m thinking we may need to do more.”

“More, Mr. President?” A worm of fear began to uncoil in the General’s gut.

“What if they start getting the dosage right or the dealers wise up and cut the potency? Then we’re going to be right back where we started.” Kelly just stared. “Here’s my thought. What if we added some cyanide or something to whatever drugs the police seize, just to help things along?”

“You want the government to supply criminals with poisoned drugs?”

“We’d tell people about it, of course. Give them fair warning. We could do some fifteen second TV spots. We’d have a guy dressed all in black. He looks into the camera and says: ‘The next shot you take may not be just heroin. It might also contain cyanide!’ Then a big skull comes up on the screen with the words, ‘Drugs Are Death’ over it in big red letters. What do you think?”

Mouth still hanging open, Kelly turned around and hurried toward the door.

“OK, we’ll label that as Plan B,” Der Leader called after him.

— David Wilaru (Dwilaru@gmail.com)

David Grace is sometimes alleged to be Mr. Wilaru’s alter-ego (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)

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• David G. Wilaru, A Brief Biography

David Wilaru’s early employment was in the creative paperwork allocation and re-allocation sector, but he always knew that his true calling was to be a Wordsmith.

After his divorce from his wife, Sharon, whom Mr. Wilaru once described as: “…as frigid as a penguin in a KitchenAid,” he pursued his dream of a writing career with a stint drafting product manuals for Godzilla Brothers, Inc., penning the user manuals for such cutting-edge Godzilla Brothers’ products as the Delilah Magic Hedge Trimmer, the Trident Electric Fork and Wordbuster, the world’s first solar powered fountain pen.

After leaving Godzilla Brother following his unfortunate involvement with Dr. Werner Buick’s Thirty Day Plan and overcome with ennui, Mr. Wilaru founded SCRAP, The Surrender Company Representing All People, a project that, unfortunately, led to his brief confinement in the Feldman-Margolis Memorial Psychiatric Ward where he edited the patient newsletter, Four Soft Walls.

After his release from the Feldman-Margolis Center, Mr. Wilaru accepted a position as a slogan writer with the 1001 Adult Greeting Cards For All Occasions Company of East Los Angeles, Inc. where he diligently honed his creative talents.

Thereafter, Mr. Wilaru went on to hold a senior public relations position with the Silicon City medical appliances company, BodySpares, Inc. where he directed the marketing effort for the Mirage Artificial Pancreas 690 RG.

After BodySpares’ unfortunate difficulties with the SEC, Mr. Wilaru joined the start-up, Xcitement, Inc., where he designed the marketing campaign for the Xcitement Confidential Adviser (popularly known as “The Brain Box”) and single-handedly coined the slogan “Get Sane At Warp Speed.”

After Xcitement’s sudden bankruptcy, Mr. Wilaru took over as the head of Marketing and Public Relations for Memories-R-Us, Inc. where he directed the advertising strategy for The Dog Box and other Memories-R-Us products.

It was during this high-tech marketing period that, in his spare time, Mr. Wilaru wrote his first paperback novel, the moderately successful Grip Melman, Garbage Detective: The Case Of The Hostess In The Can.

After the unfortunate litigation generated by the book’s Second-Printing Party, Mr. Wilaru obtained a position as a free-lance writer and later as a staff reporter for The American Inquisitor Weekly News Magazine, a post which he still holds today.

A self-described obsessive-compulsive Wordsmith, Mr. Wilaru regularly writes about subjects of topical interest including Gay Marriage, Hollywood Culture, the rapid growth of Amnesiology, the Patriot Act, Middle East Developments, and his specialty, UFO Babies, together with other matters of broad general appeal.

All 50 of David Wilaru’s columns are collected in The Wilaru Chronicles available at Amazon.