There’s A New Standard Form For The President’s Remarks When Something Bad Happens
By David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)
[This account has been created based on information leaked to me by my top-secret, White-House-Insider source, “Big Mouth.”]
* — — — — — * — — — — — *
General Kelly summoned two of his senior assistants to his office.
“As you know,” he told them, “the President hates inefficiency. Hates it. He feels that it’s taking entirely too long for staff to furnish him with statements he can issue in various emergency situations.
“Here are copies of some of the President’s recent comments on various events. I want you to use them to put together a draft response that can serve as a template for his statement the next time one of these things comes up and the left-wing media harasses the President into making a formal response.”
Kelly handed his senior assistant a manila folder then glanced at the door.
“I want a draft on my desk before you go home tonight.”
When the General arrived the following morning he found the following document waiting for him.
— — — — — -Presidential Response Outline — — — — —
[Example situational scenarios are shown as bullet-point choices.]
“With regard to the terrible, terrible incident in [Someplace] I want to make it perfectly clear that I absolutely condemn in the strongest possible terms
- cannibalism
- lynching black people
- shooting unarmed citizens
- running over demonstrators with your truck
- beating up your wife/girlfriend
I want to say in the strongest way possible that
- cannibalism
- lynching black people
- shooting unarmed citizens
- running over demonstrators with a truck
- punching out your wife/girlfriend
is never acceptable.
“Having said that, we have to remember that the charge that [Insert Accused’s Name Here]
- attacked a woman, dragged her into an alley, and ate her left leg
- lynched a black man
- shot an unarmed teenager
- ran over several demonstrators with his truck
- gave his wife a black eye
is only an allegation. Unsupported accusations have hurt many innocent people. Fake news, folks, remember, fake news.
“[Insert Accused’s Name Here] says he didn’t
- eat
- lynch
- shoot
- run over
- beat up
anybody and until he’s proven guilty we have to take him at his word.
“We also need to recognize that these are complicated situations. Mr. [Insert Accused’s Name Here] was in a tough, tough situation.
“Of course, I’ve never
- gone hungry.
- been really, really angry.
Well, there was one time when
- I got lost in a bad neighborhood and they had already closed the Little Caesars,
- a horrible, bad, bad person said terrible, mean things about me
but generally that sort of thing doesn’t happen to me because I’m rich and smart, probably the smartest person who ever won the Presidency in an upset landslide victory.
“But I know that when people are
- starving
- angry
they’re under pressure, a lot of pressure, and they may do things that they might not do otherwise. We also have to look at the victim’s part in this awful tragedy. I understand that he/she was
- heavy, meaty if you will
- staring at white women
- acting uppity and not following orders
- disrespecting America
- repeatedly refusing to do what she was told
so there’s the whole provocation thing that we need to consider.
“I shouldn’t even have to say this, you should already know it, but to be very, very clear, I absolutely condemn
- cannibalism
- lynching black people
- shooting unarmed citizens
- running over protesters with a truck
- punching out your wife or girlfriend
but people can be provoked. There are two sides to every dispute. There are good people on both sides, and both sides have made mistakes.
“For now [Insert Accused’s Name Here] denies he did what they say and unless and until his guilt is proven we have to take him at his word.
“But if he did do it, that would be totally wrong and I would be against it.
“Now that I’ve made my position absolutely clear, let’s move on to some very exciting news: We’ve added an additional fifty tanks, fourteen missile launchers and 500 Marching Marines to my ‘We Love America’ Big Military Parade.
“I believe that nothing better symbolizes the greatness of our country than lots and lots of armed men carrying big guns marching past a reviewing stand and saluting me.”
“Thank you, and never stop loving America.”
— David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)
