What Trump Might Say While Shot Up With Truth Serum
Mr. T explains to reporters why he can do anything he wants and nothing will happen to him.
By David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)
[In case you haven’t guessed, this is fiction. I made this all up.]
“Mr. President, do you have any concerns that your attacks on career diplomats and decorated military veterans might cost you some of your supporters in the next election?”
“Lose my support? What planet are you living on? I can do anything, anything, and nothing will happen to me. I’m untouchable.
“The Justice Department has already decided that a President can’t be arrested for anything while he’s in office, so I actually could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and nobody could do squat about it. I’ve got a giant ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card.
“And as long as I was careful about how, where, and when I popped him, nobody would even find out.
“Now that I’ve screwed over Comey, McCabe, Lisa Page and Peter Strozek, the FBI guys are all terrified of me. They could have a video of me handing Putin the nuclear launch codes and none of them would say a word. And even if one of them was crazy enough to open his mouth, Bill Barr has totally got my back. He’s my main man. He understands loyalty.
“Do you know what that simpleton Comey had the balls to tell me? That his loyalty was to the country, not to me. What bullshit. I’m America’s CEO. All of my executives owe me their undivided loyalty. That means that if anything threatens me, it’s their job to make it go away.
“Loyalty to the United States? What the hell does that mean? I am the United States.
“On top of that, the people love me. Or at least my people love me. What I said about shooting somebody on 5th Avenue and none of my supporters blinking an eye goes double now that I’ve already gotten two of my judges on the Supreme Court.
“Look, all those fundamentalist Christians will do anything, and I mean anything, to make abortion and gay marriage illegal again. I could be Ted Bundy, hell, I could be Satan himself and they would all still turn out in a blizzard to vote for me as long as they thought that I was going to get them control of the Supreme Court.
“And don’t forget the gun people. Sure, they’re nut jobs, but they’re my nut jobs. As long as I make sure that they can stock up on assault rifles so that when they decide that they need to start shooting up the country because some left-wing judge has gone too far, they’ll stick with me like glue on a barnacle.
“And don’t even think about any of my core white supporters leaving me. I’ve convinced them that I’m the only thing standing between them and a Brown Horde streaming over the border. And they know that the federal judges I’m appointing aren’t going to let those whining Blacks get away anymore with suing everybody who looks at them cross-eyed or tells them that Negroes aren’t allowed someplace or other.
“As long as the White people know that I’m going to keep the Mexicans and Muslims out, I promise the fundamentalists that I’m going to make abortion and gay marriage illegal again, and I guarantee the gun people that nobody’s going to mess with their right to stock up on AR-15s, I could march into an elementary school and blow those little kids to Kingdom come and I wouldn’t lose a single vote from my base.
“Hell, afterward I could tell them that it never happened, that the video of me shooting down all those little kids was just fake news and they’d buy it, 100% guaranteed.
“So, there it is. The FBI won’t stop me. The Justice Department won’t stop me. The Republicans will make sure that Congress doesn’t stop me. The voters won’t stop me. Give me another year, two at the most, and the Supreme Court won’t be able to stop me either.
“The only people who can give me any trouble are the House Democrats but, really, how much damage can they do?
“Sure, they can accuse me of stuff, but so what? My guys control the Senate so there’s no way anything’s going to happen to me.
“My brilliant plan is working perfectly.
“Don’t you fake-news morons get it? I’m protected. You want proof? Here, I’ll shoot one of you right now and you watch what happens. Hey, you, Secret Service guy, give me your gun. I want to show these crooked reporters something. No, stop backing up. Come on. I’m the President. You’ve got to do what I say.
“Well, damn. That was disappointing. Mulvaney! Fire that guy. I want him out of here. OK, OK, Mr. Fancypants Washington Post Guy, you dodged a bullet today, but the next time I see you in the White House Press Room, I’m going to give you a nice flesh wound and the rest of you just watch what happens to me.
“Billy Barr and my guys in the Congress, except for that goody-two-shoes Mitt Romney, have all got my back.
“Like I said, I’m protected. I can do anything. Take that, fake news!”
“He’s right,” the reporter from Fox News whispered as, trailed by three nervous Secret Service Agents, the President stormed out of the room.
— David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)