Ranking Ancient Greek Gods and Goddesses By Their Lovemaking Skills

11. Dionysus
This guy is the god of wine, festivals, madness, chaos, drunkenness, and ecstasy. In short, he not only knows how to party, he’s literally the god of partying. The problem for him is by the time all the fair maidens are looking for partners, Dionysus is passed out in a puddle of vomit in the middle of the Acropolis.

10. Artemis
Goddess of the virgins. Look it’s not like she didn’t have opportunities. There was that time behind the Stadium of Olympia bleachers where she got to second base with Hermes. We’re not saying it’s her fault, but the bottom line is she’s just inexperienced — she couldn’t find your Epidaurus if she tried.

9. Zeus
King of the gods, ruler of Mount Olympus. The god of the sky and weather, of thunder and lightning, of law and order. Doesn’t it seem like he’s trying to overcompensate? Rumor has it that he’s the god of thunder in name only.

8. Helen of Troy
Though not an actual goddess, she’s known throughout Greek mythology as the most beautiful woman in the world — the face that launched a thousand ships. But the truth is, she just sorta lays there.

7. Apollo
The god of music, poetry, art, and knowledge. And yet doesn’t have the confidence to approach a girl. Spends his whole shower thinking up the perfect thing to say and then can’t say it. Nice abs though.

6. Ares
God of war, bloodshed, and violence. Shows up at your door with a spear and shield but otherwise completely naked. True story: he banged his brother’s wife, Aphrodite. A real catch.

5. Aphrodite
Known as incredibly beautiful, she is the goddess of beauty, desire, and oral pleasure. Her mouth won Olympic gold way more often than every four years — hence the nickname, Mighty Aphrodite.

4. Eros
The Greek god of love. This guy fucks.

3. Hades
King of the underworld and the dead but also likes to really get to know a girl first. He’s a sucker for rom-coms and has been known to write love poems on scrolls and have them delivered in the mouth of Cerberus, his adorable three-headed guard beast.

2. Medusa
So everyone knows about the snakes for hair and the face that turns men to stone. What people don’t know is she’s a skilled masseuse and a tender lover. If there’s a papyrus bag nearby, you’ve found yourself a winner.

1. Poseidon
As king of the sea and the waters, he rules one of the three realms of the universe. He also rules the bedroom. There’s no two ways around this — he has a huge trident and knows how to use it.