What “Locker Room Talk” Is Really Like

INT. HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM — HALFTIME

Coach: Alright guys, we’re down 21–10. We’re still in this one. I know a couple of things didn’t go our way, but I've got some ideas on how to turn this around.

QB: I was thinking maybe we should try the no huddle.

Coach: Nah, Billy. Here’s the plan. We grab ’em by the pussy.

RB: Huh?

Coach: Their defensive line is weak. Let’s grab ’em by the pussy!

TE: I don’t follow.

Coach: Hey Billy, did you see your girlfriend on the sideline?

QB: Uh, before the game, I guess. I was focusing on the plays.

Coach: Your girl’s hot as shit. She’s got those big phony tits. [tosses Tic Tacs] Here, use this in case you start kissing her.

QB: Coach, this is making me really uncomfortable.

Coach: Don’t be a pussy! This is just locker room talk! Look, after the game, just start kissing her. Don’t even wait. You’re a star. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

QB: Can we focus on the second half?

Coach: Did you know I moved on your girl’s mom? I moved on her like a bitch. I took her furniture shopping.

QB: Her mom is married.

Coach: Yeah she’s married. I tried to fuck her.

QB: I think we should get back out there.

Coach: Alright, let’s go out and win this thing. Remember, play smart, play tough, and grab ’em by the pussy! God, I love locker room talk!