Why Poor People Struggle with Self-Compassion

This is Monaville, a West Virginia coal camp home to miners and their families. My family lived in the house on the right until I was four. A flood when I was two totaled many cars and damaged several homes.

I struggled with self-compassion for a very long time. In great part because I was surrounded by people who struggled to be kind toward themselves. From birth.

No one in my family knew how. How were they supposed to teach me?

Growing up in poverty makes it highly likely you will be surrounded by people who struggle to care well for themselves.

Not because they are masochistic. Not because they are less intelligent than people who care well for themselves. Not because they don’t want to care well for themselves.

People in poverty have a much harder time caring well for themselves for countless reasons:

— THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO.
— They can’t afford healthy food.
— They can’t afford adequate healthcare.
— They can’t afford safe places to live.
— They can’t afford clothes that feel good.
— They can’t afford dental care.
— They can’t afford therapy.
— They can’t afford gym memberships or yoga classes.
— They can’t afford childcare.
— They can’t afford safe, reliable transportation.

Not having enough money makes it much harder to care well for yourself.

Monaville was named for the daughter of one of the early bosses of the local mine. It sits alongside the Guyandotte River, prone to frequent flooding. “Is there a guy in dat river?” young Jeanette liked to ask.

Failing to meet your own needs is rarely a matter of choice, but rather necessity:

— You visit the doctor only when it’s absolutely essential, skipping life-saving preventative care.
— You go years without dental care, putting both your teeth and overall health in jeopardy.
— You live an extremely long commute from an underpaying job because you can’t afford to live closer.
— You shop at discount stores for cheaply made items that are full of toxins and break quickly.
— You buy the cheapest of everything at the grocery store to stretch your meager means farther. The cheaper the food, the more the preservatives.
— You’re too exhausted from job and commute to have the energy to exercise. You can’t afford a gym membership or dance or yoga classes.

Meanwhile, you are constantly shamed. For being stupid. For not having as much as others. For continuously struggling. For not working hard enough. For wanting handouts. For never getting ahead. For suffering from mental illness or addiction. For being a drain on others. For not being able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

You are made to believe it’s your fault. That you deserve to suffer. That you are the problem. That your laziness, lack of education, poor choices, unsafe housing, constant financial scarcity, and lack of growth are your lot because you lack initiative, intelligence, ambition, work ethic, morality.

NEWSFLASH: The people who shame those in poverty are the ones seeking to distract from their own privilege. Classic scapegoating. Narcissistic abuse.

Those who refuse to look at their own role in things project their faults onto others. The rich project their faults onto the poor. While refusing to understand the actual experience of the poor. Because if they took the time to understand the actual experience of the poor, they would be compelled to give back some of their privilege.

But those who have achieved privilege — and especially those who have inherited privilege — do not often want to give it back. Because they think they deserve it. This is entitlement.

Thinking they deserve wealth supports the narrative that poor people deserve poverty. A narrative that allows the rich to be comfortable with having excess privilege while so many go hungry.

The scapegoat in the narcissistic system is rarely guilty of the accusations piled on him/her/them. Those accusations are actually confessions by power-wielding narcs seeking to shame their victims for showing symptoms of abuse while blaming them for their own misdeeds. All to distract from and justify their own privilege.

Everything the poor are shamed for is a symptom of their poverty. To distract from the privilege of those who keep them in poverty.

The shaming and blaming of victims for showing symptoms of their abuse is a time-honored tradition among narcissists.

BECAUSE IT WORKS.

Shame keeps people trapped in abuse.

Consistent shame and criticism leads individuals to stop believing in themselves. When it comes from multiple directions — as it does when you are poor — it is almost impossible not to be brainwashed into believing you are the problem.

This is how abuse works.

People who struggle with self-compassion have been abused. They have been abused into believing they don’t deserve care. They have been abused into believing they are less than, defective, faulty. They have been abused into believing their suffering and struggle is the result of something they did wrong.

Abuse damages our brains. It triggers trauma responses that frequently flood our bodies with heightened levels of cortisol. This makes us hyper-vigilant. Always on the lookout for danger and disaster. This takes our pre-frontal cortex offline, leaving us responding to the world using our reptile brain.

Abuse damages brains and keeps people locked in trauma.

Poverty is abuse. Poverty is an onslaught of continual abuse that hurts everyone affected by it. As if not being able to meet your own needs weren’t devastating enough, you are then shamed for it and made to believe it’s your fault.

Leading many raised in poverty to come to lack compassion for self. Leading to failure or inability to take care of self. And/or self-harm.

Monaville formerly held the US postal ZIP code 25636 until the post office was closed. Its population in 2010 was 309, according to the U.S. Census.

Which they will then be shamed for on top of all the other things they’ve been shamed for. Because shame keeps people locked in trauma. And people who shame people locked in trauma do it to keep them trapped. Because they benefit from keeping them trapped. Anyone who shames someone else does it to benefit or protect themselves.

Often while patting themselves on the back and wanting credit for helping the person they are shaming.

My body is literally shaking remembering a couple of therapists in my past. To say nothing of my ex-husband. All of whom shamed me for showing symptoms of abuse. To avoid looking at their own damn selves. And keep me feeling like I owed them. While treating me as less than and therefore deserving of their mistreatment.

It should not be legal to shame victims while charging them money and telling them they are lucky to have your help. It’s like narcissism inside of narcissism. Masquerading as therapy. Hurts my heart, brain, and bank account.

Which, sadly, is what we’re dealing with these days in the good ‘old U.S. of A. Because we are mirroring creatures and we elevate narcissists to the greatest heights of fame and power imaginable. And then broadcast it across the airwaves and on all the socials. So everyone will mirror.

This is how a nation of narcissists proliferates.

Getting into nature is a great way to show yourself compassion.

But we can stem the tide.

Know how?

Clean up your feeds. What we allow into our bodies and minds affects us in profound ways. The more narcissists you follow and hang out with, the more narcissistic you will become. We are mirroring creatures.

Even more important: Show yourself compassion.

Today. From here on out. Be kind to yourself when no one else is. Be EXTRA kind to yourself when no one else is.

If money is tight, here are lots of FREE ways to be kind to yourself:

— Go for a walk.
— Breathe deeply.
— Take a bath.
— Stop and appreciate the flowers.
— Drink a big glass of water.
— Take a nap.
— Read a good book.
— Watch a show that helps you feel seen or makes you laugh.
— Sing out loud.
— Dance.
— Hold your arms out wide for two minutes.
— Write down something you’re grateful for.
— Tell yourself you deserve good things.

To heal from abuse — which every woman, poor person, immigrant, Native American, LGBTQ, and Black person I know in America has experienced at some point in their life— we all need more self-compassion.

To heal from abuse, we all need more self-compassion.

I invite and encourage you to show yourself some love today.

1. You deserve it.
2. It’s how we heal from abuse.
3. The more we heal, the better the world.

We can’t control how other people treat us, but we can control how we treat ourselves. For many of us, it takes time to learn how to be kind toward ourselves.

Not because we are crazy or weird or defective.

Because we were conditioned from birth to believe we were less than.

By people trying desperately to pretend they were better than.

To convince themselves and others they deserved to enjoy great privilege built on the backs of those they abused to get it.

Reject the gaslighting bullsh!t and show yourself the love you deserve.

I’ve focused on the abuse of poverty today — I think because I’m currently facing more challenges related to class than race or gender. I am not poor, and I know that. But I feel a lot poorer than I have in some time.

I’m sure I’ve also focused on the poor because I just finished listening to Weathering: The Extraordinary Stress of Ordinary Life in an Unjust Society by Arline T. Geronimus. And have just begun listening to Matthew Desmond’s Poverty, By America. Powerful, important books. I highly recommend both.

But I have experienced abuse related to class, gender, race, creed, and politics. Abuse can extend to and impact anyone in a power dynamic that disadvantages them vis-a-vis others. Including and beginning with the nuclear family.

I write about self-compassion as part of healing from abuse.

Tuesdays are for self-compassion. Join me here every Tuesday for reminders to be kinder toward you. If you like what you find here, won’t you please clap, share, and subscribe?

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