Hump Day High: Threesomes, Foursomes and Moresomes

Threesomes, Foursomes and Moresomes

Recently, I experienced the pleasure of having a six-person group sex scene in my bed.

Not gonna lie, my life is pretty fantastic. It took a while to acquire the sex geek ninja skills that allowed me to navigate this scenario with grace. I want to make that easier for you by sharing some of my best tips for threesomes, foursomes and moresomes.

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First and most importantly: If you’re going to medicate, err on the side of micro-dosing or using non-psychoactive products. Having sex with one person is complicated enough, and it gets exponentially more complicated with each person added to the mix. You need to be as clearheaded as possible, so now is not the time to get blazed out of your skull. I suggest starting with a medicated massage (have you ever experienced a massage by multiple people at once? It is EPIC!) You could also roll a joint and each take just one hit of something like Durban Poison which is great for focus and energy.

Have the Safer Sex Elevator Speech, created by professional sex geek Reid Mihalko, with everyone who is participating: This is a really convenient way to communicate vital information everyone should have before playing with new partners. It includes the date you were last tested for STIs; what you were tested for and what the results were (don’t just say “I’m clean” because that gives zero useful information); any relevant relationship agreements, trauma triggers, safewords, birth control considerations, or “need to know” info; safer sex barrier needs (condoms? gloves? dental dams?); circumstantial updates since last STI test (like if a condom broke recently or someone forgot to take a birth control pill); one type of touch you really like; and one type of touch you really don’t like.

Make sure you have plenty of lube, gloves, condoms and baby wipes (for cleanup) readily available: The last thing you want to be doing is scrambling for condoms and lube when people are aroused and ready to play. Planning in advance will save you time and headaches, so assemble your supplies and make sure they’re catered to your group. If someone has a latex allergy, sensitivity to lube ingredients, or likes to use a specific type of condoms (I swear by the FC2 Female condom), or needs to use dental dams for oral sex, etc. having a cache nearby is handy.

Keep to the safer sex rule of either gloves for each new partner or one hand per phallus/orifice. Here’s what I mean by that — if you’re using your ungloved right hand on a vulva, you don’t want to touch someone else’s vulva with that same hand. So you either need to use a glove, wash your hands between partners, or make sure that you don’t use the same hand on multiple partners. Your hands can become a conduit for bacteria or viruses to hop from one body to another. Mitigating risk is extra important in group sex scenarios.

If any of the group members are playing together for the first time, ask and get a verbal yes before doing something new (touching a new body part, incorporating dirty talk, etc.) I get pushback on this all the time. “Asking isn’t sexy!” people protest. Lies. There is nothing sexier than someone honoring my body and my boundaries by making sure we’re on the same page. It may seem fun to pull someone’s hair in the middle of sex, but if that’s a hell no for them, that could upset the entire flow of the evening. Get consent first, always.

Make sure everyone has an opportunity to be involved to the extent that they’re comfortable. This is crucial. Figure out at the beginning what everyone wants to get out of the experience and create a menu of options. The more people involved, the more requests you’ll have, so it can help to prioritize them using what my colleague Monique Darling calls the “mildest and wildest” exercise. Close your eyes and think of yourself at the end of the night with a huge smile on your face. What’s the mildest thing that could happen that would create that smile for you? What’s the wildest? Once you have those clarified in your mind, share with the group and see where your interests overlap or diverge. Then negotiate!

Check in about what everyone needs for immediate and next-day aftercare: snuggles, alone time, next-day check in via text, etc. People need different things after sexually connecting. Creating a plan for aftercare gives folks an opportunity to ask for what they need and to actually have those needs met.

Have you ever had a threesome, foursome, or moresome? What are some of your best practices?

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