9 Moments That Are Way Too Real for Every Woman Who’s Used a Bar Bathroom
The girl’s bathroom at a bar or club is as mysterious to men as the mechanics of a vagina itself. But you know full well what happens when you disappear and emerge in an entirely different mood and sometimes with a totally new friend group. We’ve identified the 9 definitive stages of bonding moments and emotional healing every woman experiences in the ladies room.
1. We’re spend an excessive amount of time complimenting each other
The uninitiated (i.e., dudes) think we visit the ladies room to start ‘Real Housewives’-level cat fights. IRL, we’re falling in friend love with strangers and having Oprah moments. There’s always that intense moment when you think some rando in an American Apparel bodysuit is staring you down, when in reality, she’s working up the courage to compliment you on your lipstick. Moments like this make any girl feel like a living, breathing heart eyes emoji.
2. We’re sweating it out to Beyoncé
The muffled sounds of ‘Formation’ from the faraway dance floor are all we need to break out the moves we usually reserve for our bedrooms. In the bathroom, the lighting is just shitty enough to convince us that we look super hot imitating RiRi’s sexy writhing in her new ‘Kiss It Better’ video. It’s a safe space — too crowded for you to fall and bust your ass. Plus, if you do, your new bestie will be there to pick you up and remind you how pretty you are.
3. We’re hiding out from some thirsty dude on the dance floor
When predatory bros try to impregnate us on the dance floor, the ladies room is our only refuge. If you’re trying to dodge a fuckboy’s advances, you immediately get the sympathy of every other women in the room, along with a Disney FastPass straight to the toilets. Together, we devise an elaborate exit strategy to transport the victim from the bathroom to the exit without getting noticed. This can involve a plan as dramatic as an outfit switch, or as unsubtle as a mad dash through the club.
4. We’re feelin’ ourselves
In the Nicki Minaj feat. Beyoncé way, obviously. We spend A LOT of time getting ready and who is going to appreciate all of the little details more than our new squad? Everyone gets her turn to be a mirror hog — we readjust our boobs, reapply our bold lip and send a few Snapchats before hitting the dance floor with our girls.
5. We’re having a full-fledged meltdown on the shitter
This is why our moms always told us to invest in waterproof mascara. There are nights when we head to the club and end up bawling in a bathroom stall. No matter who he is, or what he did to break our heart, we can count on our bathroom BFFs to be the collective Gayle to our Oprah.
6. We’re trying (and failing) to console our freaking-out friend
We’re all been the one sobbing over an unanswered text after too many Fireball shots. If you’re not crying, then it’s time for you to start consoling. At this point, we’re all a few drinks in, which means the alcohol has sapped our remaining reserves of compassion and patience. We’ll give an awkward hug, dry her tears with sandpapery two-ply, and convince her that she looks totally fine, TBH.
7. We’re having deep, existential conversations with our new drunk shrink
The real bonding occurs when we have life-changing conversations over the sounds of flushing toilets and the screeching girl who’s searching for *that* friend — you know, the one who ghosts after two drinks. Where the fuck are you, Jessica?!
We have some of the wackiest, yet most meaningful conversations. We compare our rising signs, discover we have a mutual friend, or confess our fear of the ghost haunting our apartment (which leads our de facto shrink to reveal that she knows someone who knows someone who can clear that shit out). We leave the bathroom feeling calm and empowered, making brunch promises that we know we’ll never keep.
8. We’re hiding in a stall drunk texting our exes
Listen, we go out for a lot of reasons, like wanting to dance and test out a new LBD we’re still not sure about. But even in a crowd, a gal can get lonely. That’s why after one too many drinks, the ladies room stalls fill with girls sending way too many eggplant emojis to former flames. We know we shouldn’t, but we don’t want to hear it, so hiding out is the safest option.
9. We’re having a period emergency
It happens to all of us: mid-twerk, our bitch of a uterus attacks without warning. Nothing compares to the terror and camaraderie of a surprise period party. We rally around our fallen comrade, elbowing each other out of the way in our rush to make sure she has all the Tampax Pearls she needs. It causes a serious backup in the bathroom line, but we’ve all been there, so everyone understands.