Every Woman Has Met And Slept With Jordan. And Every Woman Regrets It.
By Sara Driscoll and Paige Moomey
We use the word “fuckboy” to describe our exes, our friends’ exes, our one-night stands, those guys who ghosted on us, those guys who we ghosted, even that guy who added us on Facebook “by accident” (yeah right, creep).
All these guys stamped with this one label proves two things: Everyone knows what “fuckboy” means. And no one knows what “fuckboy” means.
Yeah, that’s pretty deep, but get ready, because we’re about to go even deeper and take you inside a day in the life of a fuckboy.
Jordan, a 27-year-old former business major, wakes up and stretches. His left arm lands in a puddle of artificial cheese. After licking his forearm, he picks up last night’s Quesalupa and scarfs it down.
He’s just starting to roll a joint when his mom calls down the stairs, “Honey, I’m doing a load of whites. Do you have anything you need me to put in?”
Jordan is on the futon eating Lucky Charms and watching “Workaholics” when his Android buzzes. It’s a text from someone named Meagan: “Hey :) Are we still on for dinner tonight?”
Jordan struggles to place the name:
…Meagan? Meagan Meagan…Big Tits Meagan? Oh, she’s the one with the tight ass!
“Can’t wait :) been thinking about your beautiful face all day long,” he responds.
Jordan spends the next two hours surfing PornHub, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and ChristianMingle, because he might want to settle down someday. And “virgin” Christian chicks always keep the back door open.
Jordan leaves to meet up with his “boy,” Johnny, who has just stolen a hoverboard.
Slightly drunk, and nursing a hoverboard cramp, Jordan gets a text from his side piece, Josie.
“Hey! Wanna come over ;)?”
Jordan remembers she has a micro-foam mattress and HBO Go. Plus, she lives above the Chinese restaurant her parents own, so free food.
He replies, “Of course, babe. Been thinking about you all day. :) Maybe we can get some Chinese, too?”
Jordan wakes up to Josie kissing him. He pushes her away and she snaps, “All you ever do here is watch my HBO and eat egg drop soup!”
His date with Meagan is in 30 minutes. He thinks fast, then leans in and gives Josie a long, slow kiss. “I care about you, I just want to take things slow,” he says.
She jacks him off and offers him a ride to his “mom’s birthday dinner.”
Jordan strolls into Applebee’s 36 minutes late. He sees Meagan, who looks furious. He kisses her and says, “Hey, so sorry I’m late. I had to visit my grandma in the hospital. She’s got some nasty cancer and it’s not looking good.”
Her face softens and she replies, “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry!”
She ate that shit up, he congratulates himself.
He lets Meagan lead the conversation as he downs three White Russians and scarfs down a Blazin’ Texas Burger. He tunes her out as she jabbers on about her life, catching a snippet here and there about how she’s a med student and cares about people…or something.
The moment of truth arrives with the check. He pretends to dig in the back pocket of his joggers for his wallet, but looks up at Meagan with a reluctant look of poor-white-boy shame. Meagan smiles and tells him not to worry about the check. This one’s on her. Clearly, she bought the grandma story. Thank Yeezus. After all, he’s only got $9.77 in his bank account.
He lays in Meagan’s bed after giving it to her for a good three and a half minutes.
She seems satisfied but antsy. She explains she has to be at the hospital at 4:30am tomorrow, but bats her eyes and says “You’re a professional cuddler, right?”
Damn, she really remembers those Tinder bios, he thinks.
To get out of cuddling, he feeds Meagan some more grandma bullshit and dips.
At the club, Jordan meets Mia, who looks like Tila Tequila, except twice as slutty.
In five minutes he already has her number, has added her on Snapchat and liked her bikini bod via Instagram.
When it’s time to leave, he tells her he’s Air B&B-ing his 57th-floor penthouse to a couple he met while volunteering for Doctors Without Borders, something Meagan mentioned she did last summer in Haiti. Mia seems impressed. Jordan pretends his phone is dying, so Mia calls an Uber to her place.
They stumble up the staircase to Mia’s apartment. Jordan detects the faintest hint of Chinese food lingering in the air.
Suddenly, a bedroom door opens and a familiar voice shrieks, “Jordan? What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you were having dinner with your mom! What are you doing with my roommate?”
Holy shit. It’s Josie. Jordan thinks fast. WWALD? (What would Adam Levine do?)
“You ladies down for a three-way?”
Jordan wakes up in his parents’ basement. His head throbs as he tries to piece together the previous night. Suddenly, it all comes flooding back. Josie and Mia kicked him out. Judging from the pain in his ankles, he must’ve hoverboarded home. He picks up his phone and snaps a casual dick pic, which he sends to Meagan along with the note, “Thinking of you. Have a great day.”