All The Problems With This Year’s Jared Leto Joker Costumes

Pick your poison.

Let’s play a game, you and I. Imagine you’re trapped in a dark, scary basement. And imagine there’s a psychopathic villain with powder-white skin, green hair and horrible tattoos down there with you, and he’s got a hostage.

The hostage is your mom, or your spouse, or your childhood pet, or your HBO Go password. And he’s going to kill them…unless you make a very difficult choice.

You must select one of these officially-licensed Halloween costumes based on Jared Leto’s Joker character from “Suicide Squad” and wear it in public for an entire day. Only then will the villain release your loved one safely. What do you do? Which do you choose?

Spirit Halloween

There’s a lot to say about this one, but let’s hit the big points. The fake-tattoo muscle shirt is actually attached to the purple plastic trenchcoat, meaning you can’t convert it to a “Jersey Shore” costume without using a pair of scissors and a hot glue gun. The model is wearing too little whiteface, making him look like a dude who plays video games on YouTube for a living. And the wig is basically a bathing cap with some lines drawn on it. Extreme quality.

Costume Supercenter

Here’s another take on the same products, but interestingly enough, this place sells the T-shirt without the attached glistening, plum-colored pimp coat. Unfortunately, without the coat this costume looks more like somebody who advertises Juggalo bodyguard services on Ohio Craigslist. The wig is actually made from strands of hair-imitating plastic, so points for that, at least. The model looks like he’d be an extra in a “Fight Club”-inspired midseason episode of “Grimm.”

Party City—Discontinued

Party City stopped selling this costume, but you’re in luck — we saved you one! This is about as bargain-basement a “Suicide Squad” Joker outfit as you’re likely to find. We’re not sure if those are temporary tattoos or just drawn on with a Sharpie, but putting a white Hanes Beefy-T over them kind of ruins the effect. And we’re not even going to talk about the wig, which looks like something straight out of a cut-rate Lady Gaga video.

Party City—Plus-Size

Maybe you’re a bigger boy and you need something a little huskier to wear to save the lives of your family in a horrible dare from a murderous sociopath? Check out this trenchcoat combo that leaves room for your child-bearing hips. I just noticed that the “gold chains” are printed on the shirt itself. Man, if you can’t buy a cheap dookie rope for your Halloween costume, you don’t deserve any candy.

Halloween Party Online

Yikes. I mean, uh, what the — I mean, uh. Yikes. Whoa. This is Photoshop, right? Please tell me it is. I’m already about six nightmares deep in this.

Spirit Halloween

At least this guy has abs. This coat (and why all the retailers insist on calling it a “jacket” is beyond me—the definition of a jacket is “no lower than the hips,” you fashion-ignorant heathens) looks to be a little bit higher-quality than the others, so maybe you won’t sweat like a pig wrapped in polyester on Halloween night, but the other components are…not so good. The weird half-laced boots seem like a recipe for disaster, and the spiked neck collar is less “Joker” and more “middle school civics teacher’s goth Myspace profile.”

Hot Topic

Of course Hot Topic sells officially licensed Jared Leto Joker costume merchandise. The character was basically conceived in a mall kiosk. Instead of falling into a vat of chemicals, he fell into a vat of unsold “South Park” T-shirts and Funko Pops. Also, nice pajama pants, buddy.

There are your choices, sucker. Time’s running out! Which costume will you choose?