Multiplayer: Our Dream Video Game Jobs
“Find a job that you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.”
Video games are a source of escapism, and they’ve given us access to a monstrous variety of jobs and vocations, as well as the ability to switch between them and go back to them when we feel like it. Over the years, the members of the Doublejump Staff have filled positions ranging from the ordinary (detectives, farmers, soldiers, sportspeople, etc.) to the extraordinary (demon hunters, Pokémon Trainers, zombie apocalypse survivors, etc), and each of us has found one that, if it were possible, we’d trade our current jobs in for in a heartbeat. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the read!
Abir: A Guardian in Destiny
The reason why I’d love to be a Guardian is not because I’d possess ridiculous powers and weapons, but because I’d be a beacon of hope for the thousands of human beings and Awoken who seek refuge within The City’s walls.
I imagine walking through The City and being flocked by children smiling and running around me admiring my armour and asking me questions about the monsters that I’ve fought, and it’s these precious moments that would compel me to keep fighting even when the odds are stacked immensely against me and my fireteam.
Cai: A vehicular athlete in Rocket League
There’s only one possible answer to this question that makes sense, and we all know what it is. A phantom thief? No way, I’m not going into other people’s minds, who knows where they’ve been? A witcher? Have fun dealing with those drowners for the fiftieth time, not to mention the idiotic townspeople. The blue shell in Mario Kart? Not even I’m that sadistic!
No, there’s only one real answer. A Rocket League Driver. Cruising around in your souped-up monster truck, flying around at the speed of explosions, and you get paid for it! Somebody cut you off from making a sick goal? Just crash into them and they’ll get out of your way! You get all the benefits of being a star athlete, without the downsides of needing performance enhancing drugs to keep up. Plus, nobody can see your face, so there wouldn’t be any annoying fans yelling at you in the supermarket.
All the fun of Rocket League, without the dodgy Australian internet infrastructure? Sign me up!
Cav: The Blue Shell in Mario Kart
Everyone loves to complain about the Blue Shell in Mario Kart. Everyone’s got a sob story about being in front, comfortably dominating the race, before being laid low at the last second by this boogeyman of Mushroom Kingdom ballistics. But why does nobody talk about the other racers? The handful of chances suddenly created, the dreams snatched from the jaws of defeat in a blue streak of justice?
I’ve always believed that getting to the top of your field should never be an excuse for complacency. Like many games, Mario Kart can allow those who know its myriad tricks a massive advantage, and everyone’s been the newbie stuck perpetually at the back because they haven’t learned the fancy starting grid boost or drift boosts that the pros spam incessantly. That’s why, as someone who believes in a level playing field and constant vigilance as the hallmark of good play, I would be a Blue Shell. The great equalizer. A fighter for fairness and justice. Like Batman, but more colourful… and not like a bat.
Actually, scrub all that. I’m just a bit of a prick who enjoys others’ pain. Soz.
Jake: A Blitzball announcer in Final Fantasy X
I’ve spent the vast, vast majority of my life as a mad sports fan. I’m always either watching them, reading over the news and scores, or talking about them, so suffice it to say that I was pretty stoked when I found out that Final Fantasy X’s minigame — which doubled as a driving force for Tidus’ story — was basically handball mixed with football mixed with parkour. 11-year-old me found everything about Blitzball awesome, and I spent more time playing the minigame than most people spent playing the game as a whole.
Just as I do with any other game/sport I play/watch, I learned a whole hell of a lot about Blitzball in a short time just by playing through seasons and tournaments, and looking up any information I couldn’t find simply by playing the game. Add that to the fact that I spent much of my teenage years being told that I could be a good commentator someday — mainly due to my prodigious ability to talk shit for hours on end — and you’ve got a pretty good recipe for someone to wish they could commentate on the sport for a living.
Most of the other entries on this list are pretty heavily involved in the games they’ve come from, while I don’t even know if Blitzball has announcers and, if it does, they’re very much an afterthought; I’m totally okay with that. I get to just walk in and out of work without having to do much else — isn’t that the Aussie dream?
John: A farmer in Stardew Valley
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like as a farmer. You’re surrounded by nature and fresh air and stars you can actually see, running a business that’s literally self-sustaining, and you’re far away from everyone else. It seems so chill, reliable and sensible.
Well, being a farmer in the world of Stardew Valley, anyway.
In Stardew Valley, you inherit your own chunk of farmland debt-free and you get a pet dog (or cat if you’re nuts) for free from a neighbour. Anything you plant will grow with the bare minimum of attention and will sell no matter what by dumping it in a mysterious wooden chest beside your house. You don’t even need to eat or drink and you can’t get sick. It’s like The Matrix but for farming.
Even sleeping seems wonderful. You just hop into bed and immediately blackout until exactly six the next morning, fully recharged and with seemingly no nightmares at all. That’s right: I wouldn’t have that dream where cows eat my face ever again.
At my little plot in Pelican Town, I wouldn’t have to worry about the impact my farm has on the extinction of our wildlife, or ‘bomb cyclones’ flooding the place, or that my farming methods are polluting the fuck out of nearby water sources, or about the eventual “eradication of soil fertility” that my farming is contributing to. I’m not sure climate change technically exists in the world of Stardew Valley so that’s definitely a load off.
Farming in real-life sounds like a nightmare, but in Stardew Valley? Heck yeah I’d be a farmer.
Kristian: A SeeD in Final Fantasy VIII
If I had to pick a way to make a living in the video game world, it would have to be as a member of SeeD, Balamb Garden’s private military for hire. In the game’s lore, SeeDs basically act as undercover operatives for those in dire need, such as aiding the nearby Timber in its resistance against the tyranny of Galbadian invasion. This effectively eliminates the need for a traditional army, and eliminates a formal declaration of war, by acting as peacekeepers.
SeeDs are developed in the prestigious Garden, which, despite the dangers of being a SeeD, not to mention the strange connotations of training child soldiers (SeeD candidates can apply as soon as they turn 15, and must be successful before they turn 20), pays its employees handily, distributing Gil the moment the hiring party pays up, so it would be easy enough to turn into a career that sets me up for life. Plus, if things got messy, I’d always have a Guardian Force watching out for me.
Matt: A Witcher in The Witcher
It’s hard to say whether I’d want to be a Witcher because I love Geralt of Rivia as a character, or just because I find the concept of a Witcher so interesting. Putting my love for Geralt aside, though, I’d choose to be a Witcher simply because they’re so much more than just monster hunters.
Witchers undergo rigorous training from a young age, working on their physical and mental conditioning in order to reach the pinnacle of human potential, but the rabbit hole goes much, much deeper: they’re also subjected to various chemical processes that enhance them beyond the aforementioned pinnacle of human potential, imbuing them with exceptional strength, speed and agility along with dramatically heightened senses and immunity to disease. The process does render Witchers sterile — a precaution to ensure that they can’t pass these traits onto their offspring — but that’s a small price to pay to essentially become a superhero with a sick pair of cat-like eyes to boot.
On top of all the physical enhancements that come with being a Witcher, I’m a total sucker for the world they inhabit; it’s full of magical beasts that you’ll only find in stories and, perhaps aside from other magical beasts, there’s nobody better than a genetically-enhanced monster hunter to take them on. The only difference between me and the beasts is that I’d get paid to do it.
Move aside, Geralt… There’s a new Witcher in town.
Ty: A Phantom Thief in Persona 5
I’m sure that, at some point in their life, everyone has fantasised about being a superhero, saving the world and looking badass while they do it.
What better way to live out that dream than by becoming a Phantom Thief — you know, the personification of that very fantasy? You get your own funky outfit, complete with dope-looking mask that also serves as the gateway through which you access that persona, and who wouldn’t want their own spirit demon Pokémon?!
You’ve also got the added benefit of being able to enter an alternate reality constructed entirely within your target’s subconscious, essentially sneaking into their mind palace to steal their heart. It’s the closest a video game has come to Inception’s “dream within a dream” shenanigans, and that’s one of the coolest concepts there is, so you’ll have a hard time convincing me that being a Phantom Thief would not be the sickest job ever.
Zack: A Keyblade Wielder from Kingdom Hearts
On paper, travelling across the multiverse to stop the threat of darkness and put an end to all manner of evil schemes sounds pretty cool… until you realise that the job really only involves fighting the same creatures over and over again, basically for all eternity.
No, it’s not the actual job that makes being a Keyblade wielder cool — it’s the benefits: being able to fly, run along walls and basically teleport around the place more than makes up for the mindless, repetitive work. Not to mention, as someone who frequently forgets his keys, being able to unlock any door at will would be pretty damn useful. It’s not a fun, laid-back kind of dream job at all, but this is one of those cases where the pros more than outweigh the cons.
If you had to work any one job in video gaming, which one would you choose? Let us know by commenting down below, or joining our community and getting in on the discussion!
Originally published at Doublejump.