11/19/2016
I sit by the fire again. The cold is colder than cold again. The time is roughly 4AM, this sleep thing is proving harder to conquer than I first imagined. the coffee is brewed to perfection this morning, and my feline friend is causing quite the ruckus already. Got in another fight with the wife yesterday, I shake my head as its becoming quite commonplace. She’s beginning to regurgitate the things I have been telling her for a while now, but directed back at me. Of course when I mention that we harbor the same feelings for each other she has no recollection of the times I told her the same things. It is this reason I ponder the cause of the disturbance — with claims of me being someone else. The only thing I see is that now I do not let her trash my feelings quite so easily. Claims of my tantrums should seem fine based on her behavior over this past year. Have I chosen the wrong woman to share this time on earth with? Life is too short (as they say) to spend it like this, and my soul is already stretched so thin.
I joke that the only test that I have ever aced was my intake form to the drug rehab facility. I laugh at the humor in the truth of that statement.
My feline companion has found me again. Her gentle caress is all I need to feel loved again. Am I not supposed to say these things about my wife? How much abuse does she think I can take? Is this why I am sober? Preparing for the future? I am tired of being the docile man taking a beating from all directions. Pouring my heart out at the treatment facility to come out and relive the excruciating truths that we have created.
I fear, because my inner monologue is screaming “hit me” loudly. Every time I hear that voice it is followed by a beating like you’d never imagine, but I never back down.
In reflection, yesterday was one of the harder days. I knew it was coming, I knew what it would be like. Did it have to be so brutal? There really is simple steps to make recovery easier, although the directions at the facility need a lot of work. There is a girl there that was going through a similar experience as I did, but did not know the recipe for her prescriptions to make the kick easier. The withdrawal is a beating emotionally, and physically. I remember a night where there were three tee shirts soaked in sweat, I awoke in the middle of the night only to collapse in the living room shaking, sweating, and throbbing — wailing like a child on the floor. Today is day 14. Two weeks, a small victory in a battle that seems to have no finale.
I made preparations to wear my suit today. A nice burberry, the one I wore on my wedding day. I assembled it as a knight would assemble armor to ride off into a glorious battle. Every stroke with the steamer was a layer of shine added to my cloak of war.
My body still aches. My mind wanders endlessly. My emotions are torn, and my soul was discarded long ago. My faith, beaten out of me. There is a desire somewhere deep in me like I have never experienced.
I am tired now, ever growing weary of feeling like I have stolen everything from everyone. Have I not treated you like a queen? Constantly showered you with compassion, love, tenderness, and caring. How I long for you to love me back, but I had to let go — to find help for myself. I had to acknowledge that everything could, would, and might be lost. The house, the wife, the cat, everything I care about in this world. To be a stronger man, to be a better husband, a good friend, a reliable human. Never, did I think this pain would strike such sorrow in the ones that I love. To care for another is a trust so sacred, and that I have destroyed.
Did you not see the pain, and suffering I experienced? Did you not see the pain in my eyes when we met? The tales of woe I sang, hidden by a mask of humor. When I first came back, my sleep was riddled with nightmares of the horrors of places unseen by most. The fire dance of a lady named war took something from me, and for that I am ashamed. A weaker man may not have lived to see today.
I have been thinking a lot about my spirit animal lately. Honestly, I had no idea to even think about it until someone mentioned it at the facility. Is a lion suiting? The king of the jungle, that roars and everyone listens — no. A bird, or fish — something that hides? No, I don’t think so.
The cold has lifted as the fire has warmed this place. My stomach aches, as the hunger has grown to overcome me. There is definitely a direct correlation between my hunger, and anger. As I have been trying to live on the meager penance allotted, it has grown steadily more difficult to eat as someone should in this predicament. It is by no ones fault other than my own that my lunch was unprepared, or food not appropriately rationed before my adventure for the day began. The question arises why am I doing this to myself? There is always ample food at home, but I am just not accustomed to not being able to purchase food as I desire. When friends are generous with me now, and offer to purchase food — as the cash register rings up it is with great shock that I gaze upon the totals.
I wonder if this is a way to learn how to ask for help. To rely on others generosity rather than always being the generous one. The comedy is apparent that I never realized my own generosity until having to ask for other to be generous with me. I have learned how to sympathize, and empathize although there is definitely no claim to be a master of either.
Life could have turned out much differently if the left turn had been a little more appealing than the right turn. I feel as though it’s by some great luck that my situation is so abundant, but there clearly were lessons to be learned that did not make it into my lesson plans. I have never felt like there were great sacrifices made, but maybe there were. I want no sympathy for others for having marched into battle, and definitely despise any pity being sent my way. Usually, my service is the last thing mentioned unless someone else mentions theirs.
My feline companion has found me again. She always brings me back to the place that I am, grounds me here and gives me a great strength to continue forth. I will truly miss her when she is gone, if I were to lose her now it would be utter devastation.
