11/22/2016

This is a short one.

It pains me to live like this. Pain is everywhere, completely blinding everything around me. Constantly in a state of heightened emotions, crying — wailing out like a child. It is impossible to relax, to calm an aching mind. With no access to money, I feel trapped. My counterpart refuses to understand my predicament. Fleeting fantasies of stashing away what little money I am given to escape this cold cruel world.

Last night was a fight on market street, between my wife and I . She was screaming “FUCK YOU” as I walked off down Jones street, escaping to the alleys I know so well. The streets smelled putrid and as I passed by the desolate there was a force guiding me, calming me. By the time that I ended up at the destination that was too familiar the dense fog of reality came down like a warm blanket. My drug dealer was staring me at the face, welcoming me back with open arms. I was in a dark seedy bar, the ones I enjoy. The grimier the better.

Talking with the old crew I ordered a red bull. We don’t pay for drinks in these places, and before I knew it someone dragged me to the back room. Benzos, oxy, heroin, cocaine, crank, uppers, downers, cigarettes, cigars, women, booze, loud music. Visions of doing blow off womens asses, and shooting a needle up my arm were welcomed, but for some reason something inside me just wanted to see it, not to touch. I cringe now writing these words, you will never understand what goes through this demented mind of mine.

Someone cracked the hidden door, you would never know this door if you didn’t frequent this establishment quite regularly, and told me my wife was standing in the door way. I extinguished my cigarette and without a thought said my peace with everyone and departed. Sometime I think my wife pushes me just to see if I will snap and do something to harm myself. She was relieved to see me sober, you could see it as plain as day in her eyes. A smile drifted over her face, and I know she loves me again. As much as we fight, and as much harm as I have done to her I realize now that the sights seen by these eyes were wrong — she is doing what she is doing out of love, and trying to help me free myself of the shackles that bind me. Sometimes it just requires a little probing to find out what the root of her caution is.

I felt refreshed seeing my old crew. Seeing people that have no use to me now but still can provide some value. Finding the crew wasn’t hard, and some part of me knows that if this sobriety doesn’t work out they always will be waiting around some dark corner to help me destroy myself.

This story could have taken a sad turn, there is always an intersection where you can make the choices that impact your decisions.