Down in the Dingle
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Down in the Dingle

11 More Ways to Make Yourself Dour

Doobie Doobie Dour

Photo by Maria Lysenko at Unsplash

Ready to come out of lockdown? Really? Well, don’t make the mistake of leaping out your front door with a smile and a song. The vast majority of the locked-down population has been dwelling under a rock of sullen, sunless isolated and completely understandable depression.

The last thing anyone needs at this point is your chipper ass in their face.

People need time to adjust.

So tuck your chipper ass away.

You need to tune in to the national tone.

In short, you must embrace the dour.

Dour is cool.

Dour is hip.

Dour is the new black.

“But how does one become dour?” you ask.

It’s easy.

Just follow these 11 simple steps:

Step 1. Put a batch of home-made croissants in the oven to bake.

Step 2. When they’re golden and crispy, take the croissants out of the oven.

Step 3. Dump the croissants on the floor.

Step 4. Stamp on those croissants until they are as flat as a two-day-old glass of Coke.

Step 5. Put all of those croissants into a grease-proof envelope and mail it yourself.

Step 6. Drink a glass of activated charcoal.

Step 7. Brush your gums with pumice.

Step 8. Brush your teeth with orange blackboard chalk.

Step 9. Look into the mirror and repeat the following affirmation:

I am dour.

Boy, am I ever dour.

The dourest you ever did see.

Yea, do I aspire to be the dourest.

So dour.

Doobie doobie dour.

Amen.

Step 10. Now, scratch your left eyeball with your right index fingernail.

Step 11. When the envelope of croissants arrives, eat them. Eat them all.

Extra-Dour Bonus Tip: On your way out the front door, smack your funny bone.

That’ll teach it.

Now, get out there and show the world your Dour Power!

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Down in the Dingle is a place for satirical pieces of all kinds, listicles, news, fiction, non-fiction, essay, personal essay, song, etymology, quiz, contest, book review, movie trailer, apology, poem, bad poem, six word novel, simulation, love, truth.

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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

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