A Girl Named ABCDE
In this interview, we meet a girl named ABCDE (pronounced Absidy), her sisters FGHIJ (pronounced Fudgy-jay) and KLMNO (Kalimino) and her brothers PQRST (Puhchrist) and UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy) to talk about their family.
(Their dog is called simply Z, which rounds out the alphabet nicely.)
ABCDE (Absidy) — We’re just normal kids like any other family. Only we spell the word family FMLI. We have our own spelling system.
FGHIJ (Fudgy-jay) — It had never come up before we went on an airplane. We thought we were a normal family. But then the stewardess made us feel ashamed.
KLMN0 (Kalimino) — Why shouldn’t our mother give us names that are the alphabet in sequence? It’s a free country isn’t it?
PQRST (Puhchrist) — Would you like to hear us sing the alphabet song. It’s kind of funny. ABCDE sings the first line, then FGHIJ, well you get the idea.
INTERVIEWER — Actually, I don’t need to hear that.
UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy)— Our middle names, in case you didn’t know, are numbers in sequence.
ABCDE (Absidy) — My middle name is 123. It’s pronounced —
INTERVIEWER — Wontothry?
ABCDE (Absidy) — No! I’m Hispanic. It’s pronounced U-NO-DOE-Strays.
INTERVIEWER — Oh, sorry. No offense.
ABCDE (Absidy) — None taken.
FGHIJ (Fudgy-Jay) — My middle name is 456.
INTERVIEWER — Cuatro cinco seis?
FGHIJ (Fudgy-jay) — No. Four Five Six. I’m English.
ABCDE (Absidy) — Different fathers.
PQRST( Puhchrist) — My last name is this shape. (Makes a circle with his fingers).
INTERVIEWER — Circle?
PQRST (Puhcrhist) — No.
INTERVIEWER — The letter O?
PQRST (Puhchrist) — No, just this shape.
INTERVIEWER — I see. Like sign language?
PQRST (Puhchrist) — I don’t know what that is.
FGHIJ (Fudgy-jay) — We’re just a normal family with names that are letters and numbers in sequence. And our last names are all different shapes since we have different fathers. My last name is this shape (holds up middle finger).
INTERVIEWER — Fuck you?
FGHIJ (Fudgy-jay)—I beg your pardon!
UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy) — Why are people so mean about our names?
INTERVIEWER — They’re just unusual I guess.
KLMNO (Kalimino) — Unusual? I’m so triggered right now.
INTERVIEWER — Sorry. How do you spell triggered by the way?
KLMNO (Kalimino) — TRGRD of course.
INTERVIEWER — All caps?
KLMNO (Kalimno) — No, why would it be all caps?
INTERVIEWER (sighs) — Am I going to have to go back and change your names to Initial Caps?
KLMNO (Kalimino) — My God. Why can’t people just leave us alone!
INTERVIEWER — I apologize.
KLMNO (Kalimino) — That’s not good enough. We want money.
INTERVIEWER — How much?
KLMNO (Kalimino) — A lot.
INTERVIEWER — I know what I’ll do. I’ll go back and spell your names phonetically.
ABCDE (Absidy) — That’s offensive!
INTERVIEWER — Or even better, I’ll put both the alphabetical and the phonetic spellings.
FGHIJ (Fudgy-jay) — Give us the money, please.
Z — Woof woof. (spelled WF WF)
