Ace that Job Interview with These Helpful Tips!

Sarah Totton
Jun 25, 2020 · 3 min read

Say Hello to Employment!

Photo by Sebastian Herrmann on Unsplash

TIP: When you’re asked a simple question, stick to the point with your answer.

Q: Why do you want to work here?

A: I noticed the pastries over there. I like pastries. I work well when I’m in close proximity to pastries. One might say frighteningly well.

TIP: Without being boastful, talk yourself up a little.

Q: If you weren’t interviewing for this job, what would you be doing with your life?

A: My Uncle Gilbert used to tell me, “If law school isn’t for you, you could always become a professional hamster.” I think, given my skill set, that’s doable.

TIP: Sometimes what looks like a trick question is just an assessment of your ingenuity.

Q: Tell us about a difficult situation you encountered while at work and how you overcame it.

A: My Uncle Gilbert and I were tarring the bottom of his dugout canoe. He paid me to do it, so it counts as a job. Anyway, I wasn’t expecting the hippos. They’re attracted to the smell of tar, apparently. I managed to escape by lobbing a Battenburg at them. That was a real sacrifice for me. I have a strong personal connection to cake.

Q: Why did you leave your previous job?

A: My boss was eaten by hippos.

TIP: On the subject of salary, it’s important to appear flexible.

Q: What do you expect to be paid?

A: Money? Of some description? I’d take pastries. Cake also.

TIP: The interviewer might ask you something about which you have no knowledge whatsoever. The important thing in this situation is to keep your cool and stick to the topics you really understand.

Q: Do you have any franchise experience? Tell us about it.

A: I think, given the age of the franchise, if they make another Jaws sequel, it should be called Gums.

TIP: Sometimes the interviewer wants to hear your opinion. Sometimes, they just want facts.

Q: What one word would you use to describe yourself?

A: Mammalian.

TIP: Sometimes the interviewer doesn’t want facts or opinions. They just want to see your creativity in action. Go with it.

Q: Could you suggest a new marketing idea for one of our products?

A: I never thought of sardine cans as sinister until now. It’s basically a fish coffin. I mean, there’s whole dead fish lying in there. Why do you pack them in water if they’re dead? It would be different if they were alive. If you could just open the can and empty them into your backyard pond. Then, when your neighbor asks you where you got the shiny silver fish, you can say, “From a can”. I think you could move more sardines if they could already move themselves. Or instead of sardines, you could put cake in those cans. I’d buy a can of cake.

TIP: Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine. It will help you stand out from the other applicants.

Q: What are you passionate about?

A: Baumkuchen.

TIP: Honesty is often the best policy.

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

A: Eating beer cake. I’m standing in somebody’s backyard holding that beer cake and looking at the night sky. There’s a new constellation next to Ursa Minor and for some reason, it’s called RODAN. Everything else about my life at that point is hazy, but the beer cake is clear. Also RODAN. RODAN is crystal clear.

TIP: Let the interviewers know you’ve really thought hard about what this position entails.

Q: Do you have any questions for us?

A: Will there be donuts available as a general rule in the workplace? What about Swiss rolls? Cremeschnitte? Blitztorte? Is there a pastry cart? Will the pastries be complimentary or will we have to pay for them? Is there currently anyone on staff who’s a qualified German pastry chef?

TIP: Try to leave the interviewer with a good lasting impression. Be positive.

Q: Is there anything else you’d like to say before we end the interview?

A: RODAN forever!

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Down in the Dingle is a place for satirical pieces of all kinds, listicles, news, fiction, non-fiction, essay, personal essay, song, etymology, quiz, contest, book review, movie trailer, apology, poem, bad poem, six word novel, simulation, love, truth.

Sarah Totton

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Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

Down in the Dingle

Down in the Dingle is a place for satirical pieces of all kinds, listicles, news, fiction, non-fiction, essay, personal essay, song, etymology, quiz, contest, book review, movie trailer, apology, poem, bad poem, six word novel, simulation, love, truth.

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