Any News?
In Ireland, when you haven’t seen someone for a while, the first thing you ask is, “Well, any news? Did you hear of anything?”
In Ireland, when you haven’t seen someone for a while, the first thing you ask is, “Well, any news? Did you hear of anything?” But I suppose that’s how people greet each other all around the world, isn’t it?
But there’s a quaint Irish story they tell about this man who went away for a while. He came back after a few years and ran into his old neighbor in town, shortly after he got off the bus. As usual, he asked, “Well, any news? Did you hear of anything?”
The neighbor replied, “No, nothing happened here. Same old ding-dong. Nothing ever happens here.”
“But I’ve been gone for ages, something must have happened.”
“No,” the neighbor said again, “same old ding-dong.”
“Look,” the man said, “I’ve been gone for years, I can’t believe nothing at all has happened.”
“Well,” said the neighbor, “there was one little bit of news. Your dog died.”
“My beautiful dog died?” the man cried, “And isn’t that a piece of news? Tell me, what did he die of?”
“He died of food poisoning. It was very quick.”
“Food poisoning, you say? But you tell me there’s no news. Ok, tell me this, what did he eat that poisoned him?”
“He ate the burnt horse meat. He was too quick for us, and we couldn’t stop him.”
“Burnt horse meat? Surely there’s some news there! So tell me, where did he get this burnt horse meat?”
“Oh,” the neighbor pondered, “it was when your barn burnt down. The horses were inside, and we were too late to save them. But the dog just ran straight in and grabbed a bite of horse meat.”
“What?” the man shouted, “My barn burnt down, my horses were burnt alive, and my dog died. And still you tell me there’s no news. Do they know how the fire got started?”
“Well, that’s a funny thing. They think it must have been sparks from the house.”
“Now, finally, you’re about to tell me that my house has been burnt!”
“Burnt to the ground,” the neighbor nodded.
“But you said there was no news. My house is gone, my barn is burnt down, my horses are gone, my dog is dead, and you say there’s no news? Here’s a good question, how did the house fire get started?”
“Ahh, we’re not certain, but we think the candles were too close to the curtains.”
“Candles? What candles?” he roared, “I’ve had electricity in that house for years.”
“Oh no, it wasn’t like that,” the neighbor shook his head, “we had four candles placed around the corpse.”
“Corpse?” he blinked, “Someone died? What corpse”?
“Well, your mother-in-law died.”
“I don’t believe this! My mother-in-law died, my house is gone, the barn has burnt down, all of my horses were killed, my favorite dog is dead, and you tell me there’s no news? Now tell me this, what did my mother-in-law die of?”
“Well, that’s a funny thing. The doctor told us it was probably the shock that killed her.”
“Shock! What bloody shock? Come on, out with it! Tell me the truth!”
“Oh well, if you insist! Since you’ve been away, your wife has been running around with the postman. Other than that, I have no news for you. No news at all.”
