Congratulations on your purchase of a Deluxe Jerk Supreme through the Jerks Unlimited Online Market!
Buy now and get half-off your next purchase (top or bottom half)
Good news, Sasha! You can expect your Deluxe Jerk Supreme to be delivered within the next 7 to 10 days. The details of your order are below:
Items:
1 Jerk (some assembly required): $45.00
1 Deluxe Jerk Enhancement: $15.09
Sour cream: $0.10
Shipping: $5.00
Handling: $100.00
US Customs Jerk Tax: $500.00
Total $665.19
This is a gift for: Sasha’s mother-in-law
Notification! Sasha, your Deluxe Jerk Supreme is out for delivery and will be delivered by Veronica. Although you requested Adam as your delivery driver, Adam is no longer working for us, as he developed a bad habit of ejecting the Jerks from his van and backing over them. Veronica is one of our more tolerant delivery drivers, but in case your Jerk arrives with a slap mark on his face, please note that this should fade within 24 hours.
Hi Sasha! Our records indicate that your Deluxe Jerk Supreme was delivered 10 days ago. How are you enjoying your Deluxe Jerk Supreme? Please visit our site to rate, rant, and review your Deluxe Jerk Supreme. If you have any questions, mosey on over to our FAQ section for more info.
FAQs
1. Where do your Jerks come from?
Rest assured our Jerks are all ethically sourced. Our Jerks are hand-crafted by skilled technicians working from small, relatively inoffensive sphincters using traditional enlargement approaches passed down through generations to create the full-on Jerks we’re famous for.
2. Why won’t my Jerk work?
Jerks do not engage in gainful employment. They are deadbeats who expect you to support them. That’s what makes them Jerks.
3. Can I eat the sour cream and refried beans off my Jerk Supreme?
Please don’t. It is a Universal Law (established by Taco Bell) that if you apply a worm of sour cream to something, it becomes “supreme”. If you lick the sour cream off your Jerk Supreme you will be left with a Standard Jerk. (Also: those aren’t beans. If you ate them already, you are in for a wild few days.)
4. How can I get my Jerk to stop insulting me?
Insulting you is the Jerk’s job.
5. I bought a Jerk for my mother-in-law hoping she’d spend all her time dealing with him and leave me and the kids alone, but now she’s engaged to him! What can I do?
It sounds like you ordered our Standard Jerk. For maximum jerkuriousness, we recommend you try our patented Jerk Apps. For a one-time additional payment, our technicians will insert a Mainsplaining app into your Jerk. This will allow (nay encourage) your Jerk to educate your mother-in-law on the subjects of parenting, pregnancy, childbirth, what women should be wearing these days, and other topics such as “having a uterus” and “what menstruation really feels like”. Additionally, the new Manspreading enhancement will allow (nay encourage) your Jerk to take up all of the space on your mother-in-law’s sectional, leaving her — and you! — with nowhere to sit. Guess you’ll just have to cut that visit short. Darn.
6. I’m being harassed by telemarketers. Can a Jerk help me?
Yes! Try our new Karen Jerk, with her “I want to speak to your supervisor.” app.
7. I can’t stand my Jerk any longer. I think I may do something drastic. Help!
Most people purchase their Jerk as a gift for someone special. If instead you purchased this Jerk for yourself and feel an urgent need to expunge it, please do so responsibly, using the length of hemp rope, leather corkscrew, and burlap sack supplied with your order. And remember, our Jerks are fully compostable, so after dispatching your Jerk, please deposit it into the Jerk Bag provided and bury it under at least three feet of topsoil. We also recommend placing a heavy stone on top of the area to prevent recurrences. Whether you also wish to perform an exorcism is entirely up to you.
If homicide is not for you, please consider recycling your Jerk through our Second Chance Jerk program. There are many, sadly Jerk-less jerks out in the world who might possibly suffer from the company of your Jerk. As they say: It is better to give than to receive.
